This concert took me back a little to the angst and turmoil filled years of high school.  There were probably only two or three real things that kept me grounded and not following the teen suicide route with how devastated I was feeling inside with everything that was going on at home with control, abuse, and feeling worthless.  Those things were music, my church youth group, and the boy I dated that eventually became my husband.  I met him in choir.  We’ve pretty much known each other now for most of our lifetime and except for a short time apart, we’ve been together since we were 15 years old.  Hard to believe in times like these where so many of the friends and people we knew called it quits after even 5 years of marriage.  And although I experienced a devastating blow when I got dumped for a short time, I still had the last word of this relationship and my prophecy of “I will marry that guy” came true.  We still joke about it almost three decades later.

One thing that really impressed me about my son’s final choir concert of the year that paid special attention to the graduating seniors was how the choir teacher made everyone feel equally special and important.  Everyone got the same identical gift from her that included a note to all and were recognized individually, without hierarchy. They each got to write their own quote that was shared with everyone as they came up to the front of the stage to be recognized.  No one felt insignificant or was given any less recognition.  This immediately took me back to my own high school senior choir concert.  I remember that we were all given different kinds of awards.  There was a hierarchy that kept us on the edge of our seats hoping that we would receive the “special” award that set us above the rest of the crop.  I remember how disappointed I felt after receiving mine, not really grateful.  It was a let down for all the hard work I did, how hard I tried to improve, and my passion for music that was going to be my life’s calling. Although I was shy and didn’t call attention to myself, not many of the other kids had that kind of passion for it or aspired to do anything with it beyond high school.  I knew that I had a real fire inside me to continue in music to affect the world, despite how I didn’t toot my own horn. I was secretly wishing that someone in charge would toot it for me, would recognize me for who I was and the potential that I had in me. I knew that music was my life’s calling, not just a hobby or an extracurricular class I attended.  And I put my all into it and worked just as hard, if not harder than most.  But I didn’t really get that recognition in the end as I had hoped.  Instead, I  received some insignificant honorable mention plaque along with two other people who had such mediocre ability and effort and who barely tried compared to what I knew I possessed. It was extremely humbling.  I remember my face was flushed as I walked up to receive this award right after the other two who could barely hold a tune. How could that teacher put me in the same category as them? I just didn’t understand.

I remember sitting through that awards ceremony feeling embarrassed that I was put in the same group as the guy who was practically tone deaf.  I felt cheated as the teacher’s favorites who were a little more outgoing with chumming up to her got the big awards.  I felt dismissed, unrecognized, and humiliated.  It wasn’t fair. It put a damper on my overall experience to know that no matter what I did, how hard I worked and improved, and how much natural talent I had, I was not going to get the lead role in the musical, the special solo, the acknowledgment or the award that equaled my spirit.  I just got an honorable mention.  It was a real bummer.  I thought I deserved better than that.  And now that I see how my son’s choir teacher puts the same value and recognition on all her students, I realize how wrong, unfair and skewed that whole system that I had lived through was.  There was too much emphasis put on how well you chummed up or brown-nosed the teacher and talked to her a lot, or if you were her accompanist, or your parents knew her well, or if your parents volunteered or donated or supported in any way.  There was jealousy and competition with the students in something that should have just been about doing it for the pure joy of loving music.  I never really thought about this whole thing all these years until I realized how unfair it was compared to my son’s choir teacher and how she chose to place value on everyone, reached out to those who tended to stay hidden in the crowd, and encouraged all her students for the love of music.  That’s what it should be about.

But despite what I experienced personally, somehow it made me fight harder for what I knew I was going to do in this life.  And no stupid choir plaque saying honorable mention was going to keep me back.  To this day, I know of no other touring recording artist in my graduating class that attended choir. I am however thankful to know that there are several music teachers in that group. I just hope they don’t make the same mistake of playing favorites and encourage all their students equally because you never know who the next Elton John, Bob Dylan, Johnny Cash or Dianne Warren or Carole King is sitting in your class.

As I sat in my son’s choir concert, these thoughts filled my mind about how we can stifle people by categorizing them with some kind of hierarchy system.  I realize that not everyone should be awarded equally all the time. There is a time and place for both sides of the coin; to be on equal footing, and to be recognized for the extraordinary composition that is you.  People with talent and who have worked hard should be recognized for what they do.  Regardless of whether they’re in a special circle, clique, are more subdued than those with more bravado in making their greatness known.  Some people know how to call attention to themselves, cozy up to those who can get them the shout out they’re desperately seeking, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re better than the guy sitting in the corner writing the next brilliant masterpiece known to the music world.  Putting value on someone means a lot to a person.  Public recognition and affirmation gives them a boost that validates who they are and what they do.  But it can create egos and humility at the same time.

When all is said and done, I think it comes down to knowing who you are and acting on that.  You have to know if you’ve got something really extraordinary that moves people and you’ve also got to know that you’re not really cut out to do something despite how much you love it. I see this in music a lot.  There are some people who are oober talented and they have no idea how great they are, and there are people who are ridiculously untalented and think they are rock stars.  Know yourself.  Something that’s hard for all of us to truly embrace when it comes right down to the truth of it.  It’s taken me a long time to admit it out loud, but I know that I am so much more than an honorable mention.  What you do and continue to do will tell people who you are.  Not what you “intend” to do or pretend you are.  In life it comes down to two things; either you do, or you don’t.  YOU decide which one you are, not a stupid choir plaque that reads honorable mention.

Carried Away:

I wish it wasn’t this way
I wish you would change your mind
Wish you could take away…what’s buried deep in my heart
Oh and time, keeps playing it’s reminding game
Taunting me

As we get carried away with foolish pride
Carried away with stubborn minds
Lost in the sway of angry words
buried in the missing years

Wish it wasn’t this way,
I wish you’d have a change of heart
Wish you could see things the way they really are.
Oh and time, is oh so bitter sweet,
It will ease my pain, but still remind me…we got carried away….

We got carried away with foolish pride
Carried away with stubborn minds
Lost in the sway of angry words
buried in the missing years

I don’t need your time
I Don’t need your peace offerings
I only need two words from the depths of your soul….I’m sorry
I really want to hear you say it -  I’m sorry
like you really really mean it – I’m sorry…

But it won’t be that way, won’t hear what I need  to hear
‘cause Pride has a way of taking all that’s dear….
Oh and time is oh so bitter sweet
It will ease my pain, but still remind me we got carried away…

We got carried away with foolish pride
Carried away with stubborn minds
Lost in the sway of angry words
buried in the missing years

Pride has it’s way of taking all that’s dear

Words & Music copyright by Sonia Vannest

“Don’t mistake applause w/affirmation of gifts. Not the same. Any clown can get applause. True giftedness moves hearts”

This has been something I have not only addressed in the trenches of church ministry, but have also contemplated many times over when it comes to my own spiritual gifts and natural talents.  I guess the continued focus on stardom in this country and talentless, giftedless people trying to achieve success and recognition through mediums like American Idol, America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance and the many other offsprings from those shows, has got me thinking that we have our priorities mixed up and we also have our own stages within the Church.  The only difference is, most people who show up to audition are let in despite their gifts and talents not matching up because people are not as heartlessly blunt as Simon Cowell when it comes to telling the people the truth, so we don’t tell them the truth at all sometimes.  We applaud them, even though they sing off key or without feeling, don’t have great public speaking skills, or don’t work well with others in the serving ministry.  And when we do tell them “this isn’t really the right place for you to serve”, they don’t want to hear it.  Then they move on to another church who will let them do what they want to do.

I see many people through the years trying to achieve the Christian music career, moving to Nashville, trying to get a record deal because they think God told them this is what they are supposed to do.  Worship leaders trying to do “their” music on the side and get radio airplay instead of just focusing on the one place God has put you to minister to. It’s not enough to sing to 50, 100, 200 or even a couple thousand people each week.  We set our sights on bigger and better things that will give us applause to tell us “we’re really being used by God.”  I see churches, pastors wanting to build bigger buildings, reach thousands of people, build mega churches, even in areas where there is no population. I’m not saying God can’t do those things through us, but when our focus is on numbers, bigger financials, fans, and big engagements instead of having a realistic view of the gifts, abilities and placement God has asked us to work in, then something doesn’t add up.  Doing “little” things for God isn’t enough for us.  That’s when I think we have gotten in the way of God.  It has become all about us, not Him.

When I was growing up and even throughout my music ministry, there was no shortage of people coming up to me and telling me a few things that kept coming up over and over again.  I’m not talking about the little pats on the back about my “talent” for music.  They were deeper than that.  They were things like “that moved me spiritually”, “there is an anointing on you when you sing and lead worship”, “that song you wrote really ministered to me”, “I felt God speak to me through what you said.”  As I continued to pursue music and writing, I found out that those were the things, the affirmations that kept me grounded, not the “you’re a great singer”, “wow you really hit that high note” responses.  Because honestly, I can say that throughout my years of doing music, I have never received the applause I originally thought I was supposed to get as a musician who is supposedly oober talented, gifted, and called by God.  At least that’s what I thought at the beginning.  I see things differently now. I had always wrestled with that and it made me question whether or not I was really supposed to be pursuing music or not. Was I really talented enough? Gifted enough?  Is this really what God wanted me to do? Because I wasn’t getting the response I wanted from people sometimes.  I wasn’t getting that big platform we’re told a lie about that will come if God is really using you.  I wasn’t getting record deals or knocks on my door.  I got a lot of slams in my face and I had to come to terms with who I truly was, what my gifts were, and what my purpose for using them really was for. When I let go of those worldly expectations that have sometimes crept into our churches and twisted our spiritual focus, I never felt more freedom to just do what I was supposed to do.  When a song came to me, I just wrote it, sang it, put it out there for whoever would listen.  I stopped worrying about the music industry and radio charts, record deals, and tours.  I just started coming from my heart and let God do with it what He wanted, not what I wanted.  I still don’t have a record deal, but I do have many people who are moved by what God has put in me to do.  I’m ok with that now.

I see a lot of people out there trying to get applause.  They crave the stage, having people affirm them like they see them giving applause to other real talented & gifted people.  They want it for themselves. They want to feel important and special. I see people on worship teams wanting to be worship leaders for the status and affirmation of their talent, not their true gifting. There are people who think that because they love music that they should be seeking that platform when the truth is, there is no real gift there, and sometimes a huge lack of ability too.  Not to say that God doesn’t use people who are less talented than others and lift them up to do bigger things.  He does, but I think it has something to do with motives and where our hearts are, plus just being available and obedient for a specific time and place.  But I also know that many gifted and talented people will never see a huge platform or get applause from thousands in the audience.  Does it mean they are any less gifted? Any less talented? Any less called by God to use those gifts in whatever way He opens the door? Of course not.  God’s ways are not our ways.

So getting back to my point.  Applause does not mean affirmation of gifts. I mean this in the spiritual sense.  Talent is one thing…having the ability to do something really really well.  Often it works hand in hand with spiritual gifts.  But many times people are applauded despite their lack of talent and gifting.  It’s like your grandma who always tells you how good you are, even if you’re not.  I often wondered if I was given a false hope about this stuff.  But I realized one day that I had fallen into the trap of gauging my calling and my giftedness with applause of people.  It’s not the same thing.  I think that your gifts do not always raise you up to high places.  Sometimes God wants you to use them in the unseen places.  If we are truly servants for God with these things, then we shouldn’t be looking for those kind of recognition indicators to tell us whether we’re doing what we’re supposed to.  People will be moved by God. That’s your indication.

I’m tired of pulpit wanna-be rock stars who have no real spiritual depth and are playing to an audience for an emotional reaction instead of a spiritual one.  I’m tired of worshippers seeking to be worshipped and gauging God’s presence in a place on whether the people clapped afterwards or how well they played the music that day.  These things are of the flesh, not the spiritual realm.  When you are moving hearts, that is when you know you are truly being used and your gifts are lining up with your passion to serve God.  And the numbers or success of your platform isn’t important anymore.  When you become frustrated with what you’re doing and aren’t getting what you want out of the deal, you need to change your perspective.  Put the focus back on God where it belongs and the applause won’t matter anymore.  He’s put you where He wants you for now.  Be blessed in that.

3-5-2011

Something crazy happened this week.  Rob Bells upcoming book “Love Wins” created quite a stir in the religious community, leaving him with the title of heretic, false teacher, and pretty much pissed off some conservative Christians in the community.  Little did I know, my previous blog on my visit to the Unitarian Universalist Church would fall in line with the stir and gain some eyebrows as well.  I didn’t think I would write anything about this new book or Rob Bell because my blog is just a fart in the hurricane with all the other blogs that have been written this week either in support or opposition of his religious viewpoints.  But something came to me this morning so here goes.

The first thoughts that came to my mind were about the whole Protestant Reformation Period and the rule of the Catholic Church, the rule of King Henry VIII, the Church of England, and the challenge of that rule by people like Martin Luther and John Calvin and his followers the Calvinists, The French Huguenots of which my family ancestors were a part of.  It reminded me of the religious history I’ve found myself immersed in over the last couple years and how far “The Church” was at war with itself, and how those in power, specifically the Catholic Church and Church of England by King Henry’s hand, went to defend, protect, and control that religious reign.  Murder; that’s how far they went.  As I’ve delved into the archives of my family ancestry research, I’ve even found documented proof of my ancestors’ escape from France into Germany with the French Huguenots, followers of John Calvin and his teachings. Because of all the murdering going on back then, it’s also probably why none of the family researchers can find any French surviving ancestors that remained in France during this time after the migration into Germany and other surrounding countries that were part of the Protestant faith.

I see Rob Bell and his religious viewpoints in that same category as Luther, Calvin and the other martyrs who fought and sacrificed so that we could have the religious freedom we now know today.  Think about that.  Think about the sacrifice all these people made so that you, who sit in your “right” position of Protestant, conservative faith, whatever denomination that may be, all the while some of you doing the very same thing the early controlling church did to these kind of people for questioning authority, questioning what the words in the Bible are really saying, questioning theology, questioning what Jesus was really trying to tell us with His message, among many other theological debates that will never go away.

A really cool quote came in through my twitter this week from Jeff Deyo that I think sums it all up:  “Overwhelmed about what the Bible is really all about? Confused about what God wants from u? Here it is: Love God. Love people. Mt 22:37-40”

“‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

I think that’s all that is supposed to matter, yet we as the Church continue to make it about everything else, to the point of murdering others for having any thoughts beyond what our current church doctrine is.  We still live in Condemnation, counting every offense of others and keeping track, instead of doing the very thing that should make us Christians;  Love God, Love People.  It makes me think that we’ve given Christians the wrong label over all these years.  Because most of them haven’t really been Christ followers at all. They’ve followed men who used Christ as a religious focal point but have distorted it into a monster.

So I’m excited to read Rob Bell’s new book “Love Wins” and I have it on pre-order.  I’m excited because I am very open to learning, to being challenged beyond my current knowledge and view points.  Because I really don’t know it all, and neither does anybody else out there.  I think that when people like Rob Bell challenge those who think they do know it all, it ruffles feathers, it shakes their insecurity and closed-mindedness.  Why?  Because they are living for “religion”, not Jesus.  Ouch.  Sorry, was that too judgmental?  But it’s the truth. Religion is the focal point, not love. And I look at people like the Westboro Baptist Church who are just a joke and would do anything to attract media attention, even stage a media stunt and present a false situation on public television, and who are no better than the early murderers in the church, pompous in their “right”.  It gives Jesus a bad name.  Let’s all just ignore them, shall we? Maybe they will go away once nobody cares anymore about their stupid “wanna-be religious media rock stars” campaign.

We will always have our religion wars.  We will always have changing church beliefs.  Social norms we once held on to as “right”, like murder, slavery, bigotry, are no longer supported, as they shouldn’t be.  I’m glad there are people out there like Rob Bell and Tony Campollo who won’t be controlled by religion, but are forging the way to a new era of knowledge and thinking and as I put it, “Get back to Jesus”.  It’s probably going to be rough, but we are in a new age of change religiously.  Gay freedom is just one of the many issues involved in that new religious age.  One day we will all look back, our heirs will look back a hundred years from now, and we will be ashamed for the way we, as a Church, behaved and believed and carried on, and how we truly did not do what our very Christ said to do, to Love.  In the end, I believe Rob Bell has it down in the book title.  Love Wins.

I decided after visiting the most recent UU congregation that I needed to explore this faith a little deeper. Just like any church out there, not all churches are created equal or alike, and you can’t make a blanket statement about such a broad range of viewpoints, focuses, and groups of people who are within the same category.  Just like all Protestant, Pentecostal and Catholic churches are not all alike, the people are different, and the feel is different with Unitarian Universalist churches as well. So although I had one visit to a Unitarian Universalist Church, I have since then watched online, listened online and plan to attend at least one more church that has a different location, size, and feel to it.

For those wondering about the Unitarian Universalist faith, it is a theologically liberal religion characterized by its support for a “free and responsible search for truth and meaning.”  A syncretic religion with Christian roots in the United States and Canada from the merger of Unitarian and Universalist churches.

From Wikipedia:

Unitarian Universalists do not share a creed; rather, they are unified by their shared search for spiritual growth and by the understanding that an individual’s theology is a result of that search and not obedience to an authoritative requirement. Unitarian Universalists draw on many different theological sources and have a wide range of beliefs and practices.

Historically, both Unitarianism and Universalism have roots in the Christian faith. Contemporary Unitarian Universalists espouse a pluralist approach to religion, whereby the followers can be atheist, theist, or any point in between.

It is slightly different from the strictly “Unitarian Church” which is a specific type of nontrinitarian Christian theology.  It is nontrinitarian in that it holds that God is only one person, in contrast to the doctrine of the Trinity (God subsisting as three persons).  On a side note, the Trinitarian doctrine was not fully established as we now know it until the 4^th Century.  Yet these same separate view points still serve the same God.  This was a decision concluded by men well after the scriptures were written and came to that conclusion by piecing together certain scriptures as it is not fully stated anywhere in scripture. When it comes down to this, it makes me realize that we don’t have all the answers to these types of theological questions, and no absolutes on anything that continually change over the course of time.

My visit to the Unitarian Universalist Church:

This particular church I visited February 13^th, 2011 was a small and struggling congregation.  It was very liturgical with it’s service format, recited their beliefs formally as we do with our own formal readings, had “sharing time” or as Christian churches call it, “testimony time”, sang hymns from a hymn book, took an offering, and had those same types of people who valued their traditions.  It was a particularly older congregation that was struggling with finances and growth.  It reminded me of so many other Christian churches I’ve either visited or attended at some point in my life at this same point in their story.  The people that make up a congregation determine what will happen at any given time and in the future.  This congregation was primarily made up of much older people who had been there for a very long time. There were several older gentlemen in their late 60’s or early 70’s who were definitely throwbacks to the Woodstock experience, wearing headbands and wild 60’s-ish patterned shirts.  And there were little old ladies wearing church dresses who were faithful to their beliefs for their entire life. There were your average run of the mill people too. There were also a few middle aged people, but other than the children, I did not see a young person under 35 except one or two, and from what I could gather, this was a congregation that was stagnant.  They were having their annual financial drive Sunday and from the reports and announcements made upfront and by those in the seats, they weren’t meeting their financial goals.  This is no different than any other Church I’ve ever known of.  Congregations like this are more like a social club, a routine, a fellowship hall, but also made up of people who have no vision, passion, no goals to grow, no outreach to bring in new families, young people, or as we call it in Christian circles, “using our spiritual gifts” to minister to others.  They are primarily made up of “takers”, not “givers”, and people who sit in the pews week after week, year after year, never doing anything but receiving.  It’s a bit selfish once you think about it. And Christian churches have these same types of people.  I’ve seen this before. I’ve visited other churches like this before.  It’s full of people who don’t’ want to make any effort except for a few hard working individuals who do all the work.  It lacks passion. There are no servants except for a few people who end up burning themselves out and become jaded because no one else is helping. It’s full of people who come there for their weekly fix, to take, but not to give back, even in the offering plate.  It is no different from any Christian church like this. It’s made up of people who either exhibit the same traits and lack the same motivation.

This was only one congregation of many Unitarian Universalist churches though, so I realize that I can’t base any conclusion on one experience.  However, what I did gather from this UU faith as a whole after studying further on this religion, listening to other online sermons, reading up, and looking at several other church websites, is that their values are the same. They are very focused on serving the community, on having community together, and reaching out in ways that extend beyond their church walls.  They are open to all people without judgment. There are some churches in the UU faith that have more focus on one particular faith than another. There are some more open to Christianity, and some more focused on Eastern Philosophy and Religion, some more New Age, and some very Liturgical or Informal.  The general population of those attending each church will determine that.  Not every congregation is alike.  But from what I learned so far on this particular brand of faith, there are many similarities to pure Christian faith with many of the same teachings.  In fact, I would go as far as saying most of them do embrace Christianity fully, but also glean from other religious philosophies that as a whole, wouldn’t conflict with Christian views if you took the “Christianese” talk out of the equation; it’s the same subject matter.  Their main motto in a nutshell is that all are welcome, all are valuable, and all deserve to be loved and respected no matter what their lifestyle, beliefs, race or nationality and so on.  Sounds Christian to me.  Sounds like Jesus to me.  The more I learn though about UU, the more I realize how much it IS like Jesus and what He came here to teach us, how we should live and treat others.  And yes, I would go as far to say that many people choosing this faith have accepted Jesus as their Savior and are in all terms “saved” as Christians would put it.  They’re no less saved than any Christian who has chosen to do this.  And there are probably some in these many congregations who aren’t saved, who haven’t really embraced Jesus, just like in many Christian churches.  They are just open to other view points in order that the whole person will be enlightened and made better.  It’s less about rules, and more about the journey. That reminds me so much of the Jesus I know and what He said.

My experience with this faith has left me to the following thoughts:

I think it’s when we start bringing in rules people must follow that religion screws it up.  It makes me really think about what being a Christian really means, what salvation really means, and what being “saved” really means.  It makes me really think about what knowing God really means, and what “knowing” Jesus really means.  Is it a trip down to the altar to get saved? Or is it a choice to follow after Him and what He taught? Regardless of the packaging?  Is this what it all comes down to in order to “know God”? To be saved? It makes me want to reiterate the very words of Jesus to people who have forgotten what He actually said about living life, serving and loving God, about the Kingdom of God, and about having “everlasting life”.  I think that when we start becoming “religious”, to me, that means “law”.  And when our focus becomes so much about “law”, we lose our focus on “love” which is the main message of Jesus.  So if we really boil salvation down and “knowing God”, Jesus pretty much told us what we need to do in order to do that.  If people are doing that, how can anyone judge their salvation? (Which we shouldn’t do anyway. Only God is our spiritual judge.)  “Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.  If you really know me, you will know my Father as well. From now on, you do know him and have seen him.” John 14:6-7   I think if we base it all on this, following Jesus, knowing Him, embracing His character and His teachings, living our lives to please God with Jesus as our example, I would say that means knowing and accepting Him no matter what “religious” label you want to put on it.  He came to shout out who God really was and what was most important to Him.

This has brought me to a conclusion that is probably going to ruffle a lot of religious folk’s feathers.  I hope they can let go of the rule book and grasp my main point here.  Especially if they are those who think it’s an all or nothing, believe what I believe, road to Heaven.  I think it’s possible to be “saved”, to know God, to accept Jesus and inherit eternal life in religions that are not orthodox Christianity. I also think that all of us continually sin.  We just like to focus on the more visible sins like adultery and homosexuality to feel better about our hidden sins.  We all have them, and yet we all claim to be saved as we live through the struggles of these sins, still claiming to know Jesus, and to be serving God.  Some of us will struggle with them our entire lives, daily surrendering them to God.  Some of us will continue to live in these sins, not realizing we are, yet on the same path as those we throw stones at who may not know it about themselves yet either.  So why is someone else’s sin any more separating them from daily living for God than mine?  And what is the real measure of sin? That has changed over the decades.  We used to embrace slavery.  Now we don’t.  We used to embrace polygamy.  Our social views have changed.  Our theological & denominational views have changed.  How are we any more right today about the beliefs of our faith than we were 2000 years ago? Were the early followers sinners for having different beliefs than we do today? Is man the judge of sin? Or is our heart’s condition judged by God within us? I think we all know, we all feel that tug, when something we are doing or thinking isn’t quite right.  As a whole, I think as Christians we’ve become so focused on sin instead of life, love, and servanthood, that our main reason for becoming a Christian is just to stay out of hell, and we can only do that if we follow all the rules….rules that are mostly enforced over history by authoritative control freaks who abused God’s Bride.  This is the opposite of what Jesus taught us.  And I think He would still be crucified today by the same church claiming to serve Him. He is more than the nutshell we’ve put Him in and defend at all costs. This is when we’ve crossed the line of knowing Him, and serving our flesh.  Because living for religion is about the flesh. Living for Jesus is about the Spirit. Our need for conclusions and absolutes separate us instead of bring us together under the same One God.

My study of the early church history has also led me to believe that man has dictated many things that Jesus would have never intended with our organized religion.  The power trip and need to control people is why religion is even in place and to consolidate beliefs into one general synopsis to keep people in line.  It’s authoritarian.  However, many of the early churches had no hierarchy like this, no governmental control like we do now, and were probably more focused on the actual teachings of Jesus than the way we have been led to believe.  This is something most church going folk are in denial of. They don’t even really know much about the early formation of the church and its early leadership, (many of who were corrupt, power-hungry control freaks, even murderers) or how the Bible was even written.  I think it’s a safe bet, that if you believe, look at and follow the teachings of Jesus, his example, what he said, how he lived, you have embraced Him.  And if you have embraced Him, you are saved.  Isn’t that what He said anyway?  Why are we splitting hairs?

He also said the Kingdom of God is within you.  It’s not just about some forever after place, it’s about the here and now really.  It’s how you live your life and affect those around you.  It’s not about how long you prayed today, or how many scriptures you read, or how much you put in the offering plate, or how many times you went to church this week because that is religion. It’s about how you love and live in a way that pleases God, and how you have put that first place in your life.  Jesus was that example. That is why God sent Him, so that we could know God, know what was most important to Him. Man has just screwed that up with religion and arguing over who is right or wrong.  It’s time the Church gets back to Jesus.  Really gets back to Him.  If you read nothing else in the Bible, no Old Testament, nothing beyond the four gospels that reflect the life of Jesus, the main message that we base our Christian existence on is the very life and words of Jesus.  Bottom line, I think that’s really all we need.

I don’t’ like the word “Religion”.  I don’t like that we even have to categorize our beliefs with that word, like when people ask “what Religion are you?”  But I understand that our shallow human existence needs it.  There are so many answers about God I still don’t have. I will never know everything.  But I do know that those who are absolute and say they know everything they need to know are fooling themselves and arrogance does not please God.  Those who believe in God, the creator of Heaven and earth, primarily believe in the same one God.  We all want the same things primarily.  I think we need to connect more with others outside our choice of faith.  But we don’t.  We only want to associate with those who are like us.  Even within Christian denominations.  I think it’s ok to have different view points on certain things.  There is something for everyone and we are all on this same journey.  I just don’t understand why, that after 2000 years, we still have the amount of fighting, judgment and separation we do in the entire Body of Christ.  It tells me that we really don’t know Jesus. We’re still living as Pharisees.

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” – Mohandas Gandhi

If we are who we say we are, then why isn’t the world as a whole recognizing Jesus in us?  We need to get back to Jesus.  Otherwise, what’s the point of labeling ourselves Christian?  I think the Christian religion has swayed way past the original intent of Jesus Himself.  We’ve made a corporate debacle out of it. And we need to get back to what His life was all about teaching us.  We are not martyrs in His name.  We are a big joke to the world because we don’t even know Jesus.  These are the thoughts that my experience with the Unitarian Universalist Church have left me with.

So I’m really doing this.  As with anything I do, I start out really pumped up and sometimes bite off more than I can chew.  I planned to do a Saturday night service, 2 Sunday services, and a Sunday evening service. I know, a bit much. I ended up just doing 3 Sunday morning services. Two were at the same church but caught the worship of the second service before I had to leave for the second church.  So here’s what I did and some thoughts I have on these experiences.

Sunday, February 13^th, 2011:

Today I visited a Unitarian Universalist Church.  I have some friends who have chosen this faith and I love my friends so I want to better understand where they are coming from.  Before deciding which particular Unitarian Church I was going to attend, I did some research on all the area churches including Orlando and Sarasota.  I thought this particular one I ended up choosing seemed like the better choice to start off with.  I drove a little over an hour to get there and my plan was to attend an 11:00 service at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation but before that catch the 8:50 service at another Christian Church I’ve wanted to visit anyway.  A friend of mine is the cousin of the worship leader there and I’ve wanted to check it out for some time.  So I left extremely early to attend the first service at TLC Family Church.  Before I started blogging about this, I considered the question of whether or not I’d want to mention the specific church names.  I think I will mention some of them and the others I will just use a general denomination reference.  I’m trying to have an open dialogue about my experiences. I’m sure that I will learn a lot about myself through this experience and my own particular biases, ignorance, and preferences.  But mostly, I’m just going to do some explanation of the belief system of the church itself, and what I experienced and learned there and how I was received for the most part.

So like any Christian early service, there are very few willing to get up at “un-Godly hours” like that.  This visit reaffirmed that truth!  Usually early services in churches are there to make room for the “main service” which is somewhere around the 10:30-11:00am mark.  Or they are there for a different style or sometimes the more traditional service is held in the early service because the church wants to accommodate those who are still wanting the old traditions instead of the new “contemporary” direction the main service is going.  Sometimes churches have more than 3 or 4 services on a Sunday and even a Saturday evening service for the purpose of growth. They’ve grown out of their capacity for one service.  And a lot of times, the faithful long-time attenders are asked to choose another service to “make room” for new people coming in.  I have to be honest. I always hated this.  I don’t like going to the early service. I despise it in fact. And I’m supposed to feel more spiritually mature by giving up my seat at the main service?  I hated this tactic. Just being honest.  If I had my choice, we’d move the main service time back even later, except there would have to be a pot-luck buffet intermission because by the end of the service my stomach is rumbling and I’m thinking about food. I know many of you reading this have done this too. Come on, we’re human.  So I’m just saying….an intermission buffet would be killer!

This particular church I attended at 8:50am was like most early services.  It didn’t quite start right away, and there were very few people attending who were mostly those “dedicated servants”, as far as I could gather, who attended to either make room for visitors in the later service or maybe even some who wanted a more low-key intimate group setting.  Not sure what everyone’s preference was, but there were not many people there. Probably around 14 by the time everyone arrived.  However, I stayed for the 10:15 service just for the worship portion and I saw several of those very same people attending the “main service”.  But there was a different speaker for that one and there was still plenty of room.  So for whatever reason, they still had an early service in a separate, smaller room.  And everyone knew I was a visitor. Kind of obvious.  Despite the few in attendance, everyone was fully engaged “verbally” with the Pastor’s message. I kind of like that personally.

I could tell right away though that these people were genuine.  Pretty much everyone there came up and spoke to me and welcomed me in a genuine, warm way.  To be honest, I wasn’t expecting this.  It was probably odd having a visitor at the early service.  I got my own special announcement and welcome.  Being aware of how churches function and the norm of service times, and coming from a church background, I didn’t particularly feel embarrassed or put on the spot. No one made me feel like that. Believe me, I know how that feels as I’ve visited some churches that went a little overboard.  I don’t think I would like that if I was a new person trying to check out the church for the first time.  But knowing that I was just a visitor for today, the pressure was off.  And no one made me feel awkward.  It was pretty casual and open.  Everyone seemed close-knit and like a family.

The Senior Pastor was away in India, one of my favorite cultures, so for both services they had someone else speaking.  I met Pastor Stanley who spoke that morning, as he came right up and welcomed me before they started. But I stumbled across my words like an idiot though and called him “Stanley”.  Hopefully he didn’t notice I left off the “Pastor”.  Doh!

From what I knew of this particular church already, it had more of a Pentecostal, yet non-denominational feel to it.  The worship in the first service was genuine, intimate, yet still passionate.  Pastor Stanley gave a great message. It was not over-done with fist pounding as some Pentecostal preachers do, but spirited, genuine, reaffirming things I’ve read in the Bible before, encouraging, and had an afterthought that hit me between the eyes. I’ll elaborate on that in a bit.  The worship leader who I already know to be amazing in what he does, just played the keyboard and sang by himself for this service. Two modern worship songs.  So this was not for a “traditional” type service.

The later service was in the larger sanctuary and was very modern. It was televised so there were cameras everywhere. I’m not always a good guess at numbers but maybe the auditorium held 1000-1400 people but it was probably ¾ full by the time I had to slip out to attend the 11:00 Unitarian service a few minutes away.  The setting was modern in its décor and tastefully well-done.  The stage was up higher like in a real auditorium, not the lower church stages which are intended to be “down with the people” more.  I appreciate a taller stage though in an auditorium this size because I am a short 4’ 11” and can never see anything.  This always bothers me and it never fails that big tall people stand in front of me everywhere I go.  So I was happy I could see everything and didn’t feel like a sardine or Zacchaeus.

The worship was with full band and team of about 4 other singers. It was celebrative, spirited, and expressive.  There was a big space upfront between the chairs and stage which I would like to refer to as the “mosh pit” where people just came right up and stood to fully engage in worship. Almost like a concert.  I saw others in the back waving banners and streamer type things.  There were people laying on the floor upfront as things progressed into a more lower-key, long expressive worship transition.  I could tell that people were genuinely here to worship God and were very comfortable doing so, and were allowed to worship in whatever form or expression they felt comfortable.  There were people speaking in tongues.  People sitting, kneeling, standing, dancing, clapping, waving banners, laying flat faced on the floor, and some just standing still with their eyes closed.  If I’m being honest, this is the type of freedom in worship that I wish for all congregations. Although I know there are many forms of worship, not just music and singing, and everyone has their own comfort level with the music part of worship, I would hope that all of us who love God can worship Him with this much passion, genuineness, truth, and without inhibition whether it’s physical, emotional or intellectual in its delivery. And have the maturity to allow others around us to do so.

The congregation was multi-cultural which is something I really like.  I have to be honest again and say that I do not like attending an all white church, or even with just a little culture. I appreciate and value people of other cultures, ethnicities, and nationalities.  I know that geography plays a big role in the racial genetics of a church, but if you’re in a multi-cultural, multi-race location like a bigger city, the cultural and racial diversity of your church shows health and how determined you are to reach people of many backgrounds and how welcome they feel there.  It’s just my preference, but I like this about a church, yet I still appreciate the uniqueness that an all Black, Hispanic or Asian church has too.   But I’m still at a place, where I do not feel as comfortable in most all White churches.  Not because I don’t feel comfortable with White people, but because it is usually very formal and refined in a lot of them, not all, but a lot of them.  I also must say that I appreciate the liturgical and traditional customs we have also. It’s just that those seem to be most of the focus in most of the all White churches I’ve attended. I’m just being honest about this and letting you know what my preference is. But as I mentioned before, I’m learning to worship God more freely despite my preferences, no matter what type of service I’m attending.  I’m growing up a little bit.

At the end of the first early service, I thanked the Pastor for a great message and told him that something he said really hit home for me.  It reaffirmed what I’d been through and where I was going.  The message he gave was of recognizable truths I’ve come to know, about putting on the whole armor of God (Ephesians 6) as he spoke specifically about each one and what it meant.  He spoke about battle and being equipped to fight our enemy. But what I got out of this was not the typical “the spirit of darkness is your enemy”, but sometimes we ourselves can be our own enemy, like when we choose to hate, or not forgive those who have hurt us. Things will come up against us that will hurt us, like people who say things to hurt us or keep us down, like even corrupt leadership in the Church.  He spoke of David and his relationship with Saul, (read the book of I Samuel for the whole story, but chapters 18-24 for this story) how he fled to a cave to run away from his King, (his  “pastor”) Saul, who wanted to kill him.  Saul had become jealous of the attention David was getting and attempted to have him destroyed.  David fled to a cave.  Like so many people run away from church and church people because we have hurt each other. We’ve been hurt by people who should know better, people who are in leadership over us, and we run and hide. We leave.  The truth is that David had the respect of his army and could have had Saul killed at any time. He certainly got close enough to cut off a corner of his robe without him knowing.  But David remembered and respected that God had anointed Saul as King.  David still respected that and refrained from having Saul killed.

When we are hurt by people like Saul, most of us do kill our pastors, our leadership. We kill them with the ill words we speak about them, try to demise their position and get others to come up against them.  It’s a tough thing and I know it’s happened to so many people. It’s happened to me. I’ve been unfairly and unjustly treated by leadership over me. Leadership that was jealous of the favor God had placed on me instead of worrying about the anointing God had given them for their position.  When we forget about our calling and are too worried about others showing us up, many of us turn to destructive tactics that ruin people’s reputations and either cause them to leave our congregations or destroy their spirit altogether.  I’ve been at rock bottom because this was done to me. It’s no fun.  I got angry at God for allowing this, for allowing someone in leadership to get away with it.  We see corrupt leadership discredit others, stretch the truth or slant conversation about others in an unfavorable way, or leave out truth so no one will know the good things about that person or how gifted they are because they feel their own position is threatened. We also do it to those in leadership over us who don’t do things the way we want, or tell us things we don’t want to hear.

The truth is that if God places you somewhere it’s up to Him to remove you if He wants.  Sometimes it’s not always because someone is better than you, or because you did a bad job, but because He wanted you to have that experience, to learn what you needed to learn to move to the next place He has for you, and sometimes it’s about what others are going to learn from you while you’re in that position.  I certainly learned a lot from observing bad leadership. Things I didn’t want to repeat when I was in that position.  And sometimes it’s about moving someone else up who God needs at a specific time and place, and you might have to move over. When we put too much worth on our leadership or position, we become like Saul and try to destroy those we feel threatening our position or who might take it from us, or make us look less than.  And we’ve forgotten the one main thing about leadership – that it’s not about being served by others, but to serve others and bring up others higher than they thought they could be, even if it means they will rise higher than ourselves, using wisdom and discernment to guide them or allow them opportunities to shine that are within our power to grant them.  Many leaders will not allow those opportunities because deep down, it’s all about their position and they hold too tightly to it. When this happens, I’ve seen God take position away from people.  But at the same time, He doesn’t always take things away for those reasons like corrupt leadership. Sometimes it’s just part of the plan. And if we are humble servants, we get that.  We’re ok if God puts us in a lower position because we get that He is in control and knows the reason that we just need to trust Him on.

I identified with that story of David this morning.  Because I’ve fled to the cave after being wounded by corrupt leadership.  It’s never easy when this happens, but eventually, the Saul’s of this world are dethroned and new Kings are anointed.  There are times to walk away from a really bad situation, and times to stick it out.  Only God can tell you which one you are supposed to do.  It’s not the same for everyone.  Sometimes, it is ok to walk. If enough people walk, maybe it will finally click that something is wrong with this picture.  If enough people address the same issues, or speak up about them, maybe it will finally hit home that Saul needs a motive check.  I hope that most would be big enough people to admit that there is always room for improvement.  But most are not.  They see it as a sign of weakness instead of seeing that it takes a stronger man to admit he’s wrong and work towards changing his ways.

So that’s what I got from the early service this morning.  And I didn’t need a lot of hoopla and flashing lights or video montages to learn it.  For such a time as this, it was spoken to me.

Next up:  My experience with the Unitarian Universalists Congregation. Stay tuned.

I made a list of denominations and religious faiths that I wanted to explore this year.  Many of them I’ve already read up on or have even attended some of these types of churches before, or I have friends who do.  These are the churches I plan to visit and faiths I want to learn more about than I currently already know, and I’m hoping that it will bring a little more knowledge to those who don’t know about them. Not that I am any kind of theologian or expert, but because most people don’t take the time to find out and would rather make a blanket statement about all people who do not believe as they believe. It’s usually inaccurate and most of the facts are distorted and spread around like a venereal disease.  Even within my own Christian faith.  I’m also going to go re-visit some old places I’ve attended to see if anything has changed, as well as some of the denominations I’ve been a part of.  Here is the list so far:

Unitarian Universalist Church
Pentecostal – in its various forms – Assembly of God, Church of God, etc.
Black Gospel Churches in their various denominations (because I love this spirited style)
Non-denominational Churches that stemmed from various denominations (they are not all the same)
Catholic
Episcopal & Anglican
Jehova’s Witness
Church of Later Day Saints (Mormon)
Greek Orthodox
Eastern/Asian religions i.e. Budism
New Age
Scientology
Seventh Day Adventist
Protestant Church denominations:  Baptist, Lutheran, Presbyterian, United Methodist, Free Methodist, Nazarene

I will probably add more to this list as I go along.

I’m finding that a lot of people are already interested in this journey I’m taking this year.  But I also know that there will be some of those types I’ve described earlier who will be defensive and judgmental.  Maybe they will learn something.  If anything, I hope Christians will continue to learn more about who Jesus really is because I honestly think most of them don’t.  Even making that statement is offensive to people.  They are unwilling to acknowledge that very fact.  Probably because they are one of those people who don’t.  I’ve already come up against judgmental “church lady” types because I stepped on their pretty little patent leather shoes.  One thing I’ve found when it comes to the “Christian” faith is how “offended” most followers get when anyone brings up religious conversation that differs from their own set of beliefs or “step on their toes”.  It’s to the extent that the offender, which is often me, walks away feeling like I’ve been sentenced to hell for even bringing it up.  People get defensive and hostile when speaking about their faith sometimes, at least this has been my experience with some Christians.  Before I go further, let me put out the disclaimer that I am speaking of “some”, not “all” Christians.  I know there is someone out there who will want to pick that bone with me so let’s get that out of the way.  I’m not a Christian basher.  But let’s face the truth, Christians have a lot of problems, and most are unwilling to face that truth.  We’d rather not talk about it.  I choose to acknowledge and talk about it with hopes that it will ignite passion in others to do something about it and fix it. You can’t fix it if you don’t acknowledge it.  I think it’s great to be passionate about what you believe spiritually. But if you’re too weak and shallow to have intelligent conversations about other beliefs because you feel it’s taboo to even bring it up and discuss, I think that shows an immaturity, ignorance and weakness about you.  It’s a defense mechanism we have.  It’s called judging. The fact is that there are many different people in this world and many forms of religion and even Christian viewpoints.  If you never want to encounter those, ever, you are living on an island.  When the great commission tells us to “go out and make disciples”, how can we do that if we are unwilling to intelligently know where they are coming from? Most of our knowledge about them is false and based in fear.   You can’t do what the Great Commission says if you stay within your box of a church and are only willing to talk about yourself.  We talk about being One Body, which I consider all Christian denominations together, but I find that most have the attitude that their particular sect of the religion is “right”.  I grew up in a denomination where I got that attitude from a lot of people. Mostly it was the older folks.  Our Christian denomination was right and everyone else was wrong, “after all, Jesus was a Nazarene” is what I heard a lot.  And those Pentecostals were just making up jibberish and not really following Christ! Even Catholics were not considered Christians and people were trying to get them “saved”.  Hello!  We came pretty much from Catholicism until Luther & Calvin and Wesley and some others shook things up to give you the denomination you now know.  This is what I’m talking about when most Christians do not even know much about their own faith, its history and foundations.  These things are important to know.

Whenever I don’t know anything about someone else’s faith, I usually go look it up. I look at the faith’s main website, which most have by now, and look at their beliefs, values and practices.  I listen to teachings, sermons, and view videos to see what kind of worship they do.  I read blogs, articles, and see what kind of community they have, what kind of focus they have, outreach, and now, when I really want to know more, I just walk through their front doors and find out what the people are really like.  I find that pretty much all of us are the same down deep inside, all looking for the same things, all have a lot of similar goals and passions, concerns, missions and values, and even traditions.  It’s when we fail to truly try to understand each other that we think we are extremely different.  A lot of this stems out of fear…fear of what will happen if my own beliefs are challenged to think beyond what I know, fear that the other side is some heathenistic cult that is trying to recruit me and will sacrifice me to idols or bewitch me or something crazy like that.  We are not firm enough in our own beliefs that we feel we can confidently speak without casting judgment to make ourselves feel a little more secure.  We can’t openly talk with someone else about their faith without telling them we’re right and they are wrong.  I say “we” because I’m coming from my own life’s experiences as Christian and these are the things that exist within the Christian community everywhere. I’m wondering if other non-Christian faiths deal with these same issues with people? I would guess they do to some extent.  It stems from a need of belonging and feeling security.  When anything makes us question or think beyond what we currently know, we feel somewhat threatened in our security, in our knowledge, in our faith.  So most people start acting like vampire hunters and hold up crosses and throw holy water on anyone who challenges those insecurities.  I think we all have them.   Even within our own denomination and faith.  We have contests to see who is more spiritual.  I call those people “Spiritual or Religious Bullies”.  To me, it shows just how afraid they really are.  A confident person, secure in their beliefs doesn’t need to put down others to feel more confident. They’ve already determined what they believe and if they are really secure, know how to appropriately speak with and lead others without using fear as a recruiting tool or control tactic.  People live in religious fear.  Which brings me back to love.  If we are to love as Jesus loved as Christians, and knowing what I Corinthians 13 and 1 John 4:18 says about love, then perfect love casts out fear.  This is just one of many points and facets of this conversation I have with myself an others on a daily basis for the most part.  I believe this is the main message of Jesus Christ; Love.  This is the foundation of truly knowing God.

This will be a continuous blog with updates on my progress and experiences this year so if you’re interested in this, please check back weekly or bi-weekly to see what’s new.

Religion and history of religion with it’s cultural and social relevance has always fascinated me.  I love knowing more about it and not only the multi-faceted Christian faith, but other world religions.

This year I’m on a quest to study other religions more in-depth & visit churches and religious groups of other denominations & faith.  I plan to blog about my experience.

Growing up in a very conservative Christian faith, I never felt freedom in my faith.  I knew even from an early age what “religion” vs. a “spirit-led life” was.  I was able to automatically identify hypocrisy in the church and knew that what I discovered about the very Christ we claim to follow was not matching up with the kind of “religion” we were all living.  It bothered me greatly. It bothered me that more attention was placed on do’s and don’ts, than on love, forgiveness and acceptance and walking with people no matter where they were in their spiritual walk and how much or how long they struggled. I always felt judged, even though I was one of the flock.  And as I grew up and became an adult with my own church experiences wherever life led me, I found the same things happening everywhere I went.  People eventually stoned me, even though I still had great close friends who loved me, there were always those waiting with stone in hand to throw it at someone. I was often the target because I stick out, I don’t conform, I press forward and challenge, pose questions and truths that sometimes people are not willing to face.  I ruffle feathers, I’m not a “church lady”.  No matter how I look, it’s never churchy enough.  I’m talented, and have been told I’m anointed many times over. I know God uses me to bless others and I try to stay humble about that.  But there will always be people who want to destroy that, my guess is to feel better about themselves with their own insecurity and guilt.  I tend to be a mover and a shaker.  I don’t settle for status quo but want to see people be all they can be, to dream bigger than they ever dreamed, to reach their full potential in what God has for their life.  I want to see myself and others grow.  But I’ve learned that growth doesn’t come without growing pains.  Wisdom doesn’t come without a tough lesson.  Strength doesn’t come without struggle and effort and even a few battle scars.  And being advanced doesn’t come without proof you can handle the little things first with humility and gratefulness.  I see too many people who think they are entitled and deserve more, but the truth is we don’t deserve more.  God doesn’t owe us a platform or advancement. And we won’t get it “from Him” without proper motives.  Sure, there are people who take it, but eventually they lose it.  I’ve seen corrupt people moved out of position because they are eventually found out, or chicken out.  Motives play a big part in where you land and how long you stay there.

Worship:  plain and simple, this is about God, not us and how we “feel”.  Too many people come to church expecting to receive something from their worship experience and if the band or the music doesn’t move them, it’s not “their fault”, but the music director or worship leader, or that bad singer on the worship team who distracted you from your worship time.  Truth is, God’s presence is always there, it doesn’t “show up”. But it’s us who have to show up.  We are to bring a “sacrifice of praise” to God.  That means it’s us giving Him something, not the other way around.  And even when we are not in the mood or don’t like the music and it’s delivery, it is a sacrifice to give God what WE owe HIM.  Not to receive butterflies in our stomach or get our worship fix for the week.  But to give HIM what He deserves from us. We gauge God’s presence with performance.  Something we still need to get over and acknowledge as our own shortfall.

I recently attended a very humble and conservative church service.  I typically like a lot of instrumentation and a professional music delivery, but I also enjoy the unplugged set too. This one was really “unplugged”.  An electric keyboard, a tambourine and a bass player, two of which sang.  Very humble. The church was a warm family-like atmosphere, down home.  They did a variety of songs from old hymns, to choruses I knew from long ago, to current worship songs that are “hits” on the local Christian radio station. (that’s another blog)  The congregation was clapping and some did the “white-bread hand raise”, and worshipped the best they knew how to.  But it was genuine.  Not hyped up, not loud, and not really teary-eyed or emotional.  Almost like singing around a campfire.  But I found myself in God’s presence, despite my musical preference, being moved by what I was singing to the point of weeping and uncontrollably lifting my hands to the point that I’m sure everybody noticed. Not that it was any kind of hand-raising contest.  But I couldn’t help but abandon myself, my inhibitions, and what everybody else felt comfortable doing.  I had to surrender and give God my all physically, emotionally, spiritually.  How could I not?  God has done so much for me.  Every word I sang, whether it was my preferred song choice or not, I had to give God a “sacrifice of praise” because that is why we should even come to worship Him at all.  Why call it a worship service if you’re not actually going to worship God.  Too many people pick apart what’s going on upfront instead of engaging.  I decided long ago that I was going to “engage” in worship no matter what because God should be my main focus, not the music, not the pastor, not the worship team or worship leader, not the style.  But God was my main goal.

I went to the Holy Land experience last year, something I never thought I’d do because I thought it would be cheezy and all TBN. But I found myself surrounded by Biblical history that fascinated me, authentic copies of early Bibles that were even guarded with someone’s life and had bloodstains on them.  Amazing.  Then they had the reenactment of the resurrection.  At the end a moderate worship team of singers sang to cheezy soundtrack music.  I found myself weeping uncontrollably as they sang “Shout to the Lord”!  Why? Not because the style or delivery was spectacular, but because I was ready to meet Jesus that very moment and to worship God in that situation.  I surrendered. I’ve been doing that more and more in my life.  Matt Redman got it right when he wrote “Heart of Worship”.  It’s all about “You” God.  Not me, not about how I feel today, what’s going wrong in my life, how I hate the music or style.  There is no real “style” of worship music anyway.  There is no style that God prefers over another, yet church people have dictated this. The early hymns were considered heathen in the church, and now we have people who claim they are the only kind of music we should be doing in the church. People fail.  The Church fails people. We fail each other.

I’ve come to learn that “The Body of Christ” is not about church. It’s about how we live our lives alongside of each other. It’s not about building programs, numbers, outreach ministries, attendance goals and offerings. It’s about living as Jesus lived, treating others the way He taught us to treat them, and loving them the way God taught us through Jesus and His life & sacrifice.

This year I plan to explore, discover and study faith in it’s many forms.  Not only because it just plain fascinates me, but because I have a genuine interest in people and what makes them tick when it comes to religion.  How can any Christian shut down others with any religious argument when they don’t even understand where they are coming from?  I find that most Christians don’t even know much about their own faith and believe Christian wives tales instead of living the message that Jesus came and sacrificed His life to teach us.  It comes down to Love.  Love is walking with others, no matter how long and if they ever “change” or “turn” or “agree” with you.  If our goal is God’s love towards others, there is no time limit, no set of conditions or limitations we should be placing on other people.  People are seeking to fill that empty hole inside themselves with their faith, whether they are Mormon, Muslim, Unitarian, Christian or  Buddhist or whatever.  No matter where a person’s beliefs lie, if we are truly following Christ, we should be able to love them, walk with them, want the best for them, and help them when they are struggling or are in need.  Love goes beyond the “feel good” opportunities we get from being “the hero” with safe opportunities like giving to shelters and world hunger. It’s about being able to wrap your arms around ugliness and dirtiness and not worry about what’s going to rub off on your nice clothes or how it will make you look to others.

Love is the key.  God is love.  I’m curious to find out what other faith’s think about this too.  And how they go about carrying it out.  I’m not interested in religious debate or arguing with others about who is right and who is wrong.  I’m interested in going beyond my comfort zone and embracing others despite their beliefs or life circumstances.  Taking my own “Live Love Loud” challenge if you will.  This is my quest this year.  Follow along if you want.  I want to see Christian ignorance diminished just a little bit more and I want to do my part with myself to help abolish that.

“On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Luke 10:25-29

Do you really want me to spell this out for you? Does anyone really? I think anyone reading this with any kind of church background knows what Jesus is really saying in this passage. We pick and choose who we will love, who we will show that love to, and try to find ways to justify ourselves when we know that what we are doing does not line up with these very words of Jesus.

How can we really “love God with all our heart, soul, strength & mind” when we continually put other things before Him? We put our pride before Him, our ego, our self-worth, our social standing & clout, and many Christians are really good at deceiving others with justifying their unloving behavior towards other people. Especially when it comes to politics and issues of life-style choices. Yet we read in the very Word of God how Jesus contradicted these typical human behaviors by reaching out and loving the unlovable, the outcasts of society, and those that the religious leaders of that day went to the extent of stoning and crucifying. I think that still happens today but in a very different way. We slander people with our words, shut them out of our circles, and turn our backs on them unless they believe as we believe. Even among the Body of Christ as a whole, denominations turn against each other, and members of the same congregation behave like wolves tearing each other apart, sometimes in subtle ways. If we can’t even love our own properly, how can we love others in the world? Sometimes it makes me want to throw my hands up! But I know now that I’ve embraced a new calling towards Love. And it’s changed me.

The message of love, genuine love, has been burning strong on my heart for a long time. It’s why I put out the last music CD “a thing or 2″ which talks about what real love is supposed to be – what it looks like, acts like, feels like, and lives like, and the author of that love is God. I finally got fed up with being mistreated by people who talked about it but did the opposite of what Jesus taught us. And I got tired of seeing people turn away from God because of the foolishness of man that represents Him improperly. I got passionate and fierce about it to the level that now I’m really not bothered any more about what people will think when I speak out about it. I’m tired of the rule followers who shun others and have the audacity to do it in the name of God. God is love. What is the definition of love? Go back and really read I Corinthians 13. This time with conviction.

Recently, a vision that God gave me about doing something real and tangible about this calling to LOVE & to bring the message of love to the world, has been put into action. I had started an outreach organization under another name a couple years ago, but it wasn’t until God brought all the pieces together with a partner that has the same vision, that “LIVE LOVE LOUD” was birthed. We are putting it into motion because we, like many other Christians, want to demonstrate and educate the world about what real love is supposed to be. It is not just merely mouthing the words. It’s putting it into action in our every day lives.

James 2:14-20 says “What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?”

So many times, we are only willing to do something for someone else as long as it doesn’t take us out of our comfort zone, it doesn’t make us look bad in front of other people who might scoff, as long as we agree with them, or as long as it doesn’t cost us a whole lot and makes us “look like we are doing something” when we’re barely breaking a sweat.

I wanted to start a movement that would catch on like wild fire, not for the sake of being a cult phenomenon or the next “WWJD”, but to really make people think and consider what real love is supposed to be, and how to put that into action to help mend relationships and walls that divide us in this world, and in our every day lives. It’s tough, but it can be done. But we have to be determined.

So I guess I’m willing to go to the extreme of calling out bad behavior that has been condoned in the very institution that it should not exist, and to counteract that with positive and correct action, as James 2 says. I want people to start looking for opportunities to show love and kindness to people in their every day life. To tear down walls and start building bridges, and to reach out to people you never do. This kind of love changes the world one person at a time. And it will change you and me if we decide to take it on full force. Even to the point that we will love others who do not believe as we do religiously, do not live the kind of life style we condone, are of a different nationality, race, color, or behave in ways you don’t approve. Love is a universal language and everyone needs it. So the question is, will you join us in this endeavor? Will you help spread the message of love and get involved in any way or level you can? Will you let your life be transformed by the power of Love by the author of all Love? Are you ready to truly LIVE LOVE LOUD?

http://www.facebook.com/liveloveloud

New website is coming soon! Donations are needed to get this whole concept going, so if you can please donate:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=UXAH9H9RD8RUJ

Let’s rock the world with love! I can’t wait until I get my song recorded “Live Love Loud”. It pretty much sums up everything we are trying to do with this. Please pray that it gets done, and soon. And if you can help in any way, let me know.

Please help these efforts and add the LIVE LOVE LOUD page & help spread the word!

http://www.facebook.com/liveloveloud

God bless!
Sonia V.

There is a whispering voice echoing in the back of many of our minds that says “What’s the point? Who will cares if I keep doing what I’m doing anyway? Who even notices? Am I even making a difference? There are many people out there who are much better than me, why bother? No one will help me. I don’t have the resources or the money. I’m getting tired of doing this with no visible and tangible results so I must not be making a difference, or maybe this is NOT God’s will after all.” and the list of excuses goes on and on. To be bluntly honest, we wallow in self pity and complain about how hard it is to follow a calling we were “so sure of” when we started, but when the going gets tough and things don’t line up the way we had hoped, that’s when you find out what you’re made of and if you meant what you said when you proclaimed “I’ll follow you anywhere Lord, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Mold me, teach me, give me strength and wisdom”…and secretly in the back of my mind, though I don’t want admit it, “make me successful at what I’m doing for you.” When the heat is on, the refiner’s fire is burning, we find out if we’re willing to go through the whole refining process in order to be purified like gold, or if we are weak and jump out of the fire too soon, still holding on to the part of us that wants to have a say in what God is doing. I openly admit that was me. I thought God should give me some reward for all of my toiling for Him and at the very least, let my efforts succeed. But He did not give in to me or give me what I wanted. He knew I wasn’t ready, wasn’t done, and He did it for my own good. I complained and whined and I still did not get my way. Then I realized that I was expecting something out of all of this for myself. I was not the righteous do-gooder, pure of selfish motives I thought I was. And one day I finally gave in to God and allowed Him to put me through His refiner’s fire – for real. I wanted all of that out of me. And results? My tangible results I used to demand He show me….I let go of that desire and need, and just let Him use me, now ready to be shaped into His image and not my own. It was not easy, I admit, but wow! What an eye-opener I had about my own spiritual condition. I was like many Christians who really haven’t yet faced the truth about themselves. That they are still defending their own will without even knowing it, hiding it in religious garble.

Whether you are on the path for a huge undertaking or a home-grown hands & feet as your ministry or calling, we will all eventually face this moment of soul searching and possibly join the pity party. If you’re honest enough to admit you’ve ever thought any of these kind of thoughts, then you’re probably one of the few who have come face to face with the truth that you let yourself get in the way of what God was trying to teach you through these experiences, and His intention to help you come to the true path we should be walking, which is seeking His face, seeking to know HIM more fully, and desiring only Him above all other things, even our ministry. Because if we are truly on that path of desiring only God, all the other stuff we think we need to “do for God” is secondary. But here’s something really cool: When you really, truly, come to the place where God is all you want, and everything else doesn’t matter anymore…doesn’t matter if you are successful at your ministry, doesn’t matter if your church grows in numbers, but in spiritual growth, doesn’t matter if you can make a living at this or not, doesn’t matter if you are recognized for your efforts, doesn’t matter if you even do it at all because knowing God is so ultimately first place in your life that you can walk away from anything you’re “doing for Him” and still be ok, still know who you are, and still have the “joy of the Lord” – when you truly come to this ultimate place, that’s when you can do your ministry with complete peace, joy, and delight, knowing God is in control and the outcome is HIS to decide. He can finally get things done through you because you finally got out of His way. You allow Him to refine you like gold and become an obedient and willing servant, tilling the field, planting the seeds, and allowing Him to water it with His spirit.

Of course, this is the fairytale version we all claim on the outside, but we still have to battle those “me me me” viruses that creep up from time to time. We’re human, it happens, it will continue to happen. And never think so highly of yourself that you think you’re above it, that you’ve “mastered the flesh bug”, because that’s when you are going to stumble and fall the most. Pride comes before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18 “First pride, then the crash -the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.”

Look at all the big time TV preachers and Christian musicians who have fallen from grace. It can happen, and it can happen even to those we think are strongest. It’s easy to let what we’re doing for God get in the way of just being with God. It’s easy to think that “living for God” means “doing things for God” or even for others and we slowly start to drift the focus off our own internal state, and outwardly on to others. We measure our spiritual health by what we’re doing outwardly instead of taking the time to seek God and look Him in the eye as Margaret Becker so eloquently sang in her song “Look Me in the Eye”. We use church as a substitute for soul searching, and when the church or the pastor, or the worship team isn’t doing what you want or need, we hear the excuses “I’m not being fed.” Truth Mirror: you’re looking for milk, an easy feeding, because you are still a spiritual baby. You think it’s someone else’s fault you’re in the state you’re in because your hungry grumblies aren’t happy. You want it NOW like a crying baby, unwilling to wait, to be still, to seek God for what you need. What you really need is to stop hiding from God behind that fig leaf. He can see you anyway. Do you honestly think you’re fooling Him? I know I did. And I used that excuse about church before too. I know there is never going to be the perfect church, and eventually the one you think is “close to perfect” is going to disappoint you one day. But your spiritual life is not just about church. It’s so much more than that. The Kingdom of God is within you.

Luke 17: 20-21 “Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.”

We need to stop blaming other people for our own spiritual climate, whether people hurt us, disappointed us, or downright fell from grace. Because if we really want to be mature in our faith, we need to stop whining like babies, demanding our milk, demanding to be fed by someone else, and we need to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness…then all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 And we wonder why our calling isn’t working out, why our ministry isn’t thriving, why we’re not getting the results we want, and either we ourselves or others we know give up at this point. They failed to do the one thing that is so vital in all of this. Seek HIM First. Outwardly it looks like we are seeking Him first, but inwardly if all truth be exposed, we are not. I think it takes a big man or woman to openly admit this. It takes someone who is truly eager to know God to admit it to themselves and openly before God. I used to believe that all the good things I was doing for God were all for Him. But I now realize that part of me was still hoping for some of the credit. Yeah, I did want to do big things so people would notice God and I could point to God and say “see, look at what God did through me.” But because I know where my own shortcomings have come in the past, I can see right through those shout-outs I see now from people. What we really need to be shouting out is “look at what God did.”, not “what He did through me.” There is a difference, and most people who think they are doing God’s work fail to recognize that they are still trying to receive some of the credit for what God is doing by shouting out all their success and calling that “God’s favor on them”. “Ouch!” I’ll say it for you because I know I may have just stepped on someone’s toes. I think I’ve learned now that it’s a good thing when I get my toes stepped on. It means there is probably something inside me that needs refining. Something I’m still trying to defend and not admit that part of my flesh still has hold on me in a certain area. Even defending a religious mindset that needs to be exposed for what it is.

I love the whole idea about being put through the refiner’s fire. (Malachi 3) We hear about it all the time. I’ve referenced it in many of my songs & so have many others. We hear pastors speak about it and we nod our heads in agreement with a big “Amen”. But when we’re put to the test, we pray for deliverance, to be taken out, not to go “through” the refiner’s fire. But there is a reason we are being put through this torture, this trial, this uncomfortable situation, this test. I’ve failed so many of those tests. I begged for deliverance, even just jumped right out of the fire and did the wrong thing and even blamed it on someone else. I wasn’t done, or should I say “He wasn’t done with me.” And I came out looking like a big globby mess. I wasn’t completely purified like pure gold when it is heated and purified by the fire until just the right moment and all impurities are melted away. But through many failed attempts and not passing the test, I’ve learned to just allow it, to see where God is taking me on this path, and to see what lies inside of me that still needs refining. Note: what “lies” inside of me. We deceive ourselves sometimes, don’t we. I think many people get really good at believing their own lies in order to cover up the truth they try to hide from others and God. There is still a LOT inside of me that needs refining. One thing after another, He is revealing it to me. And I’ve come to admit that freely and openly, despite what onlookers might think, despite what upright people may conclude about me and my spiritual walk. I think too much pious hiding behind religious cloaks is dangerous. I think Jesus was on to this when He ticked off the religious leaders of His day. I think those kind of Pharisees still exist in the church today and make it hard for God to really do His work. After 2000 years we still haven’t learned what He was trying to teach us. We are still so spiritually smug that it repels people from the Kingdom instead of attracts them to it. And somehow we think we’re better than others because of it. What arrogance! And when we behave like this we can’t see that we are looking like fools, and not in a positive way so many boast “I’ll be a fool for God.” It’s time we get over ourselves as Christians.

I was once caught up in this religious hoopla, thinking this way was “right”. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12 It’s easy to put religious mindsets above being Christ-minded. It “seems right” to us, but in the end leads to spiritual death. And unless we are willing to stay in the fire, to be purified, even from things we think are right, things like following rules that we have made our God instead of God Himself, unless we face our own spiritual truth in the refiner’s fire, face the test and do not give up, we will never know what it means to fully see His face, to be able to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. And this so called “calling” or “ministry” of ours will die, it will not thrive, it will become too big for us because we’re trying to handle it on our own and control its outcome instead of letting God control the outcome. Sometimes we even try to convince God that what we want is something He should give us. And we pray hard, believe hard, but God doesn’t do what we want. Is it possible that He knows we are not ready to handle what we’re asking for? “To whom much is given, much is required.” Luke 12:48 But we don’t admit that we’re not ready or equipped to handle what we’re believing is of God. We say “This must not be God’s will. Nothing is happening. Nothing is thriving. I’m not seeing growth and results.” And we give up. We’re measuring with worldly eyes, not spiritual eyes.

James 4:3 (NIV) “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

I like the way The Message describes this:

James 4:3 (The Message) “You wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way. “

“Spoiled Children” explains it all. We are still spiritual babies craving milk, not seeing what is more important. Not seeing the truth that what we want “in God’s name” is for ourselves. I went through that with my music. I laid it down, surrendered it to Him, even though I thought I had for many years. And I came to the place where it didn’t matter to me anymore if it meant I would put it in front of desiring God. I told Him to do what He wanted with it, or nothing at all, and I was finally “Free from the chains that bind me.” And when I did that, God decided to do a miracle in my life, and make something out of nothing. I’m not worried now about where any of this is heading, but just know that anything I do with it now is hinging on His permission. I don’t worry about being accepted or rejected. Because I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Philippians 1:6

There are some seeds that take many years before a single sprout appears above ground. They have to go through a process before they can become what they are intended to be. Take that seed out of the ground too soon, and it will never grow into the towering tall tree one day. Take gold out of the fire before it’s processed and it still contains impurities and has not been properly refined. Help a butterfly out of its cocoon and it will not develop properly or know the strength of the struggle to emerge and fly away freely. Put an untrained runner in a 26 mile marathon and he will gasp for breath and fall on the roadside like a cripple after a few miles. To run a marathon race, you can’t expect to run a mile or two as training and then realistically finish 26 miles. You’re not in the right condition to finish that race. A true runner knows you don’t run 26 miles when you first start out running. You have to build up to it and condition yourself with proper training, eating right, and building strength for the long run ahead. And when you finally do all those things, even then it’s hard to run that marathon. You feel like puking sometimes. And you have to keep replenishing your energy and fluids along the road. Too many people start out with big ideas about serving God, doing big things for God with full excitement. They see the finish line before they’ve even started the training. And a lot of them might make it the first ten miles, completely beaten down, but many quit, they don’t persevere. They don’t want to go through the training. They don’t want to run the mini-marathons first. They don’t want the pain. But those who succeed and finish the race have done all that. They’ve pushed themselves to the limit many times over, past points they never thought they could bear, they pushed through the pain. They learned the hard lessons and faced their own limitations and weaknesses. In life, these people who have succeeded have gone through many testings and trials. They’ve trained and conditioned. They’ve probably lost a few mini marathons. But it’s all part of being refined in the fire.

If you truly want to follow this call God has placed on your life, you need to understand what it will take. It’s not going to be easy. It’s not a walk in the park. It is going to drain the life out of you. And by that I mean you need to die to self. This is what needs to happen to be fully usable by God. He’s going to refine you, test you, condition and train you, and you’re going to want to quit because you keep looking to your own strength and ability instead of His. But stay on the path, keep persevering and finish the race. There is much to be missed if you quit now. Not only things you will experience and come to know, but things that others will miss because you gave up to soon. Everything we do makes an impact, influences others, whether good or bad, everything makes a difference. Doing nothing makes a difference, and doing everything you can makes a difference. So you need to decide, are you all talk? Or are you going to backup that talk and do whatever it takes to finish the race? It will take time, perseverance, and patience…and pain, yes pain! There will be times when things look favorable and not favorable. Don’t bail when things don’t look good. This is God refining you for what is to come. This is God cleansing you from your flesh and into His likeness. By giving up, you’re giving in to yourself. You’re putting yourself above God, instead of trusting Him to see you through what you’re facing at this time. That’s a hard pill to swallow…admitting you are putting yourself before God by giving up, making excuses, and whining like a baby. But it’s the truth. When we search the inner-most depths of our souls, we know it’s the truth. Stay in the fire. Stay in the race. This is the will of God.

“ In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I solemnly urge you: proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching. For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths. As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully. As for me, I am already being poured out as a libation, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:1-7 (NRSV)

“Let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1 (NRSV)

I wrote a worship song several years ago. I hope to be able to share it with others in the future should God provide a way. Its tentative title is “Perfect Love” and it speaks about being put through the fire, being refined until I can shine like gold. It is a very intimate and personal one for me because I’ve prayed these prayers many times, but now going through all God has taught me through trial, I know what these words truly mean now.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I John 4:18

Perfect love casts out all fear, it casts out all that is not of God. I want the one who IS perfect love to refine me. Many times my own fears keep me from staying in the fire until I’m purified of the things that keep me from being able to look into the face of God, keep me from embracing my horrible truth and letting God have His way. I’m learning to submit to Him and what He’s allowing me to go through in order to be refined. It hurts. But it’s a good hurt. Fire Me up God! And make me well done.

After being in church ministry in one capacity or another for my entire life, I can tell you that I have seen the church become a revolving door many times over. People come and go, never satisfied with the church for one reason or another. Either they didn’t like the pastor, the music team or style, didn’t think it had a good kids or youth program, or overall just didn’t fit with the style or possibly the philosophy of the church. But one thing from experience that I have come to find out for myself, is that the church’s revolving door hinges on one problem…that people are not finding true community & fellowship, true acceptance and long-term love & care by the attending members. This is what the church is supposed to be about, right? Not a building, not a big congregation, but about spurring each other on in the faith. Not coming for a show, then placing our admission fee in the offering basket and calling it tithing, Because tithing is so much more than 10% of your earnings. It’s your time, resources, attitude and more.

Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” – Luke 17:20-21

The truth is, there are a lot of broken and hurting people who come to church. There are a lot of people who are messed up. But no one feels safe enough to admit it. So we put on our church face every week, try to look like a strong leader who has it all together, unable to admit when we are ‘human’ because we’re afraid of being stoned or burned at the stake. Because that’s what people do in churches after all. Instead of loving people into a passionate relationship with Christ, we condemn them into it, don’t allow them to be who they are, where they are, and see the potential of who they can become in Christ. When people come to us wanting to be “used” in ministry, we have only a few ministry opportunities and pre-designed formats that they can step into. But many people don’t fit into these molds. Many people have a great story to tell, and God wants to use it to help others in a very special way. But we aren’t allowed to do that at church. We’re only allowed to serve in specific pre-designed pockets of ministry. How does that lead to a deeper purpose and fulfillment? Helping pass the offering plate from one row to the next, or handing out programs is a good start, and very much needed. But is that the call on your life that you’ve been hoping for?

And if we can “master” those pre-designed opportunities at an entry level, and prove ourselves worthy, then just maybe, we might be approved to get a bigger position because after all, you have to earn your right to to do ministry, right? Can you sense my sarcastic tone here? Yeah, that’s me, and it’s really put some people off who are way too serious and need a sense of humor in their Christianity. It’s one of the many flaws that I have that have kept me from “advancing up the corporate church ladder”. I have the heart to do ministry, and have had to find my own path to do it. Because the truth is, like many people, I’ve been one of the casualties of churches and their lack of real family. I attended my previous church for 6 years. As soon as I took a break from my “entry level ministry position” I’d been in for the last 6 years to prove myself worthy of advancing further (mind you after already doing all the senior level hard stuff before I even attended there), took a break to follow God’s real call on my life, nobody even noticed I was gone or missed me. No one even extended prayer support as I ventured out on this “big deal” in my life. I could have used the support system. But if I wasn’t serving on some kind of team that got together every week, no one even thought about me or missed me enough to check in with me. I think that’s pretty sad and sorry. But it happens. I’m ok about it. But what I’m not ok about is that it happens to too many people that come to church, and go right back out through that revolving door…because they didn’t receive what they really needed from people. We’re too busy running our programs and being busy, that we forget the real reason we’re supposed to get together in the first place. Even the small groups I’ve experienced have the same mentality. Everybody’s got the “it’s not my job” attitude when it comes to caring for people. But it IS our job. It’s my job, and I take it very seriously like a calling, and it’s YOUR job if you are a Christ follower.

Here’s the deal. I have never ever fit into any of these pre-designed molds, and I know a lot of other people haven’t either. Yet we still keep playing this church game. So much more could have been done, so many lost people could have been reached if people like the hard edged biker dude was allowed to lead a ministry, a Bible Study, or something… to reach those bikers he meets on the road. But his church didn’t condone it, and he had to go through all kinds of classes and hoops to prove himself spiritually worthy enough to lead it. The X-prostitute wasn’t allowed to advance into any kind of leadership position because of her past and the Church leadership wanted to make sure she was “really” free from that. Thank God for Annie Lobert-Fox who didn’t wait for anybody to tell her that she could start a ministry to prostitutes, using her unique story to reach others for Christ. Or Craig Gross starting a ministry to reach the porn industry and have the boldness to really show unconditional love & meeting some of the basic needs of women who lived in a brothel by doing something as simple as painting the walls & fixing it up. Controversial Christianity – that’s what Jesus was all about.

God calls all kinds of people to minister, to use their stories in life and share their experiences, and most of these stories, though very common in the world, are not commonly heard of in the church. We do a whole lot of talking about it, but when it comes down to it, we’ve become too corporate, too judgmental, and too closed minded and our reputation as “the church” is not one of martyrdom as some would like to boast, it’s an embarrassing reputation that even many Christians have become disgusted with. But there is a new, real church emerging. It’s emerging with people who want to be real, and represent a real Jesus to people they come across, not just play the revolving door church game.

If you’re thinking about the other side of the coin and have an argument about respecting your appointed leadership, I don’t think you’re getting my point and I really don’t care to debate with religious mindsets. I’m done with those types. I’m going to be part of the new revolution that shares Christ in a real way, not just invites them to their weekly meeting, but really reaches real people, who are desperate to know a real Savior, but just aren’t getting it in the revolving door attached to a building. If you’re ready to take on something real, go deeper, and speak life and power into other’s lives, to really be used to minister to others, then your mindset has to come away from the weekly church service mentality of Christianity, and into a whole new realm, a whole new mindset, and a whole new lifestyle. It’s time. The revolution is upon it. Will you join the army?

As soon as I was old enough to realize there were mobile machines out there my size, I was on them. My first hot rod was a bright red tricycle. I took off down the sidewalk on that thing like there was no tomorrow. I learned about the rush of going fast at an early age and I still can’t keep my pedal from the metal. I’m working on it, but I’ve got some hefty speeding tickets to prove it! I just like going fast and if I had another career choice, I’d be a race car driver so I could get away with breaking the speed limit. One day my three wheeler went missing and as my mom and I walked down the block, we soon discovered one of the neighborhood kids had ridden off with it and we found it parked in their driveway. I may have been a speed freak at an early age, but the little girl who took my trike was a thief at the age of two! I wonder if she is in jail now for grand theft auto?

I got my trike back but it wasn’t long before I outgrew it and knew I needed some more horsepower. So I graduated to the “Big Wheel”. The Big Wheel was a big deal when you were a kid. You had to have one or you were just a loser. And since I liked going faster and the red trike was already lame, I soon had myself revving up the Big Wheel. I thought I was so cool. I could feel the thrill as I raced that thing down the sidewalk and often had races with the other neighborhood kids. You see? I should have been a race car driver! Sonia McQueen is what I should have been called! But before long, the Big Wheel became obsolete and just wasn’t fast enough when the next big deal came along. And I had to have that big deal. I began to notice some of the older boys had something better than my stupid Big Wheel, all prissy and lame looking. I didn’t want a retarded little girl’s bike all disgusting pink and purple or Big Wheel anymore. I wanted something more badass with more power, speed and a nice flashy design because that’s just the way I roll. I’m sure if they made Harleys for kids I would have been on one. But I soon realized I needed this new machine to get me where I was going (which was pretty much nowhere – a big trip around the block.) I needed to ride “The Green Machine!” I realize I may be carbon dating myself by that admission. Oh well, get over it, people age.

I saw those cool commercials and knew this was my new race car. Why did the boys get all the cool stuff like Stretch Armstrong and The Green Machine? The Green Machine had stick shift steering which controlled the back wheels and allowed you to do all kinds of cool maneuvers & spins. And it was bright green with cool stickers instead of those retarded sparkly streamers. They marketed that Green Machine to boys, but as always, I never let that stop me. I was never one to be pigeonholed or put in a stereotypical box and I’m still not to this day. Don’t get me wrong, I did wear dresses from time to time and had a few dolls, but I was not into playing house as much as I was climbing the trees in our yard, camping out in my tent, and doing huge productions where the whole neighborhood would show up to see my show. I also used to line all my stuffed animals and dolls up in chairs and preach to them and lead worship – which back in those days was never done by a woman. So I never thought twice about not being able to do something that boys usually did, or have toys & things that “were for boys”. I hated it when people used to say that to me; “That’s for boys.” So? I used to ask for cars sometimes for my birthday or Christmas too. Like I said – like to go fast. And the Green Machine was on my must have list. But just like I didn’t get the Stretch Armstrong I wanted “because it was for boys”, I didn’t get the Green Machine, at least not from my parents or relatives. They got me dolls, and tricycles, and banana seat girl bikes with sparkly streamers and a big yellow Schwinn bike. In fact, I can still remember the combination to my bike lock: B-2-5-3. Don’t ask me how I still know that. It was nice to be given those things, but they weren’t always what I “really wanted”.

One thing I realize now about myself is that I’ve always had a drive and determination planted in me to just go for it. That magic fairy dust to leap off the edge and end up flying. When I set my mind to something, I race for the prize and pretty much win it. It doesn’t matter how much is stacked up against me or who my competition is. Once I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to do something, nothing gets in my way, nothing deters me, depresses me, or makes me doubt that I cannot achieve my goal. I don’t listen to the nay-sayers or let fear hold me back. I think that fear of failure is what holds a lot of people back from just starting. But that is another story for another time. I had my eye on the prize – the Green Machine – and one way or another I was going to be racing it down my block.

Soon, opportunity knocked and I answered the door. Our church was hosting a Bible School week and aside of the boys against the girls offering contest, there were other prizes to be won for the person who brought the most number of visitors. That number one prize was, you guessed it, The Green Machine! I was determined to win that thing so I had my parents pick up at least ten kids every day that week and stuff them into our car somehow. At the end of the week, I thought I hadn’t brought enough kids to Bible School and was almost defeated when some of my visitors couldn’t come on some of the days. But at the end of the week, the announcements were finally made and I won that Green Machine! I couldn’t believe it! I could hardly wait to get it home and put it together. This is probably the one prized possession I had as a kid! I felt like Ralphie in the Christmas Story with his new gun.

So we got that Green Machine, home and before long, I was racing down the sidewalk on that thing watching all the other little kids eat my dust! I couldn’t believe how that thing handled. What power! What speed! What steering! I was in heaven and the only thing I didn’t have on was a leather jacket to complete the whole bad to the bone package. But as we know, all good things must come to an end, and eventually that Green Machine went missing. Somebody stole it. All my hard work to earn that thing and somebody comes along and just takes it.

Jump forward a few hundred years, (for all those of you who think I’m really old now) and now I’m looking back on some similar life experiences. I think about all the times I had worked so hard for something and how good it felt for me to earn those things rather than feel entitled to them like they should just be handed to me. I thought about how some people who don’t work for things are sometimes handed them on a silver platter because they’re related to someone, or their dad is the boss, or they are handed a ministry position in the church because their dad is a pastor. Sure, they do have to prove themselves and do a good job. But so many times when people are given titles or positions or authority and they haven’t really earned them, they often don’t appreciate them and take it for granted. And a lot of times they end up leading by their title or position, and not their actual influence.

I think about how a few times, my hard earned work has been repackaged by someone else who wanted to take a shortcut and couldn’t come up with the idea on their own. And I watch as many people who have not earned where they are take kudos from others for work they haven’t accomplished. I wonder how they must feel about themselves having to keep up the facade that they are a great big fraud. I see it happen so often with a lot of things in this world. I see people so hungry for attention, or power, or position, affirmation and applause that they will do anything, even use God’s name to get it, and instead of giving Him the credit, they bask in their own glory. They have their eye on the wrong prize. And they cheat to get it.

When we “take” things that haven’t been deserved or earned, and we haven’t really invested in them, we are like the foolish servant in the parable of the talents who buried his talent in the ground. (Matthew 25:14-30) The master expected him to do something with it, to invest in it, to work with it. Just like God; to some he gives much, to some he gives little. But it’s not about what you received to start off with. It’s what you do with what you’ve got that will earn you the privilege of receiving more or getting promoted. It’s what you do with people that will earn their respect. It’s how you influence others that will make them follow your leadership, not your title, not your family relations, and not how much you force them to follow you with your fancy title or position of authority. I’ve known people who were in leadership that no one followed. They tried to rule with their title and position, but those methods won’t get you what you want. The things you really want like respect, honor and integrity have to be earned, and that must be combined with humility, servanthood, and compassion for others. Otherwise, you haven’t really learned what being a leader means. A leader is about enlarging others and being a servant, not being served by others to enlarge yourself. People will not continue to follow someone who is only concerned about themselves.

I remember how good I felt about earning that Green Machine. Especially since society told me I couldn’t have it because I was a girl and it was only for boys. It wasn’t handed to me by rich parents or because of my gender like some kids got it. I earned it with hard work, perseverance, and determination. Today I’m not working for Green Machines. In fact, I’m not really trying to gain things for myself personally that are only temporary pleasures that will eventually fade away. Doing things for the sake of having possessions, power or prestige do not interest me anymore. I want to work hard for God’s approval and for His Kingdom & glory, not my own. When God sees that you are serious about what He’s allowed you to do, what talents and gifts He’s put in you, and that you are being a good steward with them, He will allow you to advance – if that is His plan for you, and if you have invested wisely in what He’s already given you. He will give you a little more to invest with as long as you are not doing it for selfish gain, but for His Kingdom and His glory. So many people want to jump right into big positions without earning their way there. They want huge platforms or massive ministries, but they don’t understand sometimes what it takes to have those responsibilities. They are only looking at how big it will make them feel. Then they find out too late that they are in over their head or just not cut out for the job. They coveted the position. Rather than using it for the good of others, they used it for their own self-satisfaction. But in the end, I know that what you possess does not bring satisfaction. It’s about being content and at peace with what you have, whatever circumstance you are in, no matter what, and being able to trust God for your needs, only desiring Him above anything else.

When I was a child, I thought like a child. I used to think things like The Green Machine would make me happy. And although driving at fast speeds is very enjoyable, or having nice things, a roof over your head, a cushy job that pays the bills, a family, and good health – those things are not required in order to know true contentment, true peace, and true joy. Yet people still think “if only….” “if only I had a bigger house, a better car, a better job, made more money, got married, had kids, had a successful business or ministry, hung out with a certain group of people….if only I had “that” I would be happy.” We sometimes get caught up in wanting the next big deal that we think will make us happy. We are looking for the next Green Machine in life. We’re looking for a higher status instead of being content with where we’re at. But status does not make you happy. It is just an illusion. It is just a lie. If you can’t be thankful for what God has given you already, and are always asking for more, why should He give it to you if you’re just going to keep complaining and not enjoy what He’s already given you to enjoy? Why should He give you more if you have only buried what you have in the ground? Why should He give you more responsibility when you can barely handle the responsibility you have now? You want a better car? That comes with a bigger price tag. Bigger house = Bigger mortgage. Fancy job title = more responsibility and hard work. Are you seriously ready for that headache when you are already having headaches with what you’ve got?

One day I finally realized that I was not content. And I had fallen into the trap of thinking it was because of the things I did or didn’t have. But I kept getting more things and those things really didn’t make me happy. They didn’t give me peace. I was not content. And I used to get angry at God for not giving me what I prayed for, but now I know it’s because He could see that I needed to learn to only be content IN HIM. True contentment is only going to happen to you if you get to the point where you want for nothing; nothing but to know God more intimately and walk closer with Him all the days of your life.

Psalm 17:15 “As for me, I will continue beholding Your face in righteousness (rightness, justice, and right standing with You); I shall be fully satisfied, when I awake [to find myself] beholding Your form and having sweet communion with You.”

Psalm 27:4 ” One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.”

Psalm 63:1 “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”

What is your Green Machine? What is the thing (or things) you think will make you happy if you just had it? The thing that makes you restless and keeps you striving for it until you get it? Let go of it. Because nothing you can possess on this earth will fill you like the contentment only God can give. And if you continue to seek His face, you will find what you’re looking for.

If I was superstitious, I would say that about seven years ago, I must have broken a mirror, or walked under a ladder, or let a black cat walk in front of me, because it seems like that was the beginning of some very bad luck for me, or at least some things that were beyond my control and resulted in being wounded or hurt by others. I’m not superstitious, but seven years later, I am still trying to find closure. I’ve healed a lot, but it still hurts when I think about the fact that some things did not turn out right, some things did not resolve, friendships were not mended, business dealings did not work in my favor, and I’ve continued to see those I trusted but who betrayed me for personal gain, continue on the same path.

Have you ever watched the movie “The Count of Monte Cristo”? I remember watching that movie and feeling the pain of the main character who was imprisoned falsely and was left to die until an unexpected doorway opened up to him. I can honestly say I have felt like that with a lot of things I’ve been through and wanted vengeance. And I wondered where God was in all of it. I blamed Him, got angry, begged for answers, wondered why these people had hurt me, and even worse, these people were supposed to be Christians. I tried doing the right thing, tried to work things out with others, let things run their course and hoped for the best, hoped that these people would see the light, see the error of their ways, and come and ask for my forgiveness for what they had done to me. But none of that has happened yet. I pray that it will, but there has been no reconciliation, because despite coming to the place of forgiving them, I still hurt, and they still proudly sit in their puddle of “right”. I still want my side to be heard but it hasn’t been. I want them to feel badly for what they did and make things right between us. But I can’t make people feel that. I can’t make them repent, I can’t make them feel remorse and sorry for betraying or hurting me. I struggle with my flesh of wanting resolve, wanting closure, wanting justice, and go back to surrendering my heart to forgiveness again. Its a process that is long and hard if the cuts are deep, but it’s getting better. If there was a magic pill that could take it all away, I would take it. But life is not like that, and difficulties between people are complex.

I’ve written letters several times that were never sent. In fact, I wrote another one today to one of my old friends who sold out my friendship over a song. A song that I wrote, that they stole the music for, and despite my attempts to ask them to do the right thing, they did what they wanted anyway. I had to compromise, thinking I was keeping the peace, but I realized that these people were only concerned with their personal gain. To this day, I’ve never received a thank you for letting us use your music, never received a royalty payment, and they’ve even gone to the extent of taking my name off the credits publicly, taking full credit for something that was birthed in my soul. It hurt me deeply. I felt like a part of me was stolen. I have been so hurt by these actions, but more concerned that people like this exist in the Christian music community. It has really been a hard thing for me to work through for the last several years and almost kept me from completely ever doing music again, but God had other plans. Sometimes it feels like there will never be a resolve or closure on this one. I keep thinking that if I write a letter telling them how I feel, that I will feel better and maybe they will feel remorse. But I realize that listing my grievances to a deaf ear is not going to solve anything. Unless they want to do the right thing by me, we will remain estranged. It doesn’t matter that I forgave them if they don’t feel they need forgiveness. I may never receive full closure for this the way that I desire, for everything to turn out right and everybody hugs in the end wondering why we were all so selfish. It hurts me when I see continued actions taken by those who have hurt me that cast a negative shadow on my name & reputation to others when I know it’s just that they are trying to cover up what they did to me. So I get closed doors with what I try to do with my music in this industry, I get people who will not allow me to comment on their page, or who will not play my songs on the radio, or invite me to events….the list goes on. But despite the damage that I feel some people have done deliberately to me, God is bigger than that and He moves around road blocks that others deliberately put in my way. He works despite what lies others have said about me to keep people from associating with me or supporting what God wants to do in my life. I know God vindicates victims. That’s not my job. My job in all this is to keep striving towards love, keep laying down forgiveness when it seem so hard when continual hurt is being put in your face, and to trust God to do what He does or doesn’t want to do through me. If God is for me, who can be against me?

Recently, I’ve been talking a lot with others about resolve, forgiveness and reconciliation. It’s so easy to give pat Christian answers to people about forgiving and reconciling with others, but when the rubber meets the road, you find that it is so much harder to work through than those pat Christian answers. Because honestly, sometimes we don’t feel like we’ve got what is fair and the best results in the whole ordeal. I know I have felt that way many times. So how do you know if you’ve truly forgiven someone for what they did to you? Does forgiveness mean you have to be “mum” when they continue to act in unhealthy ways or bring continued pain and even sometimes danger into your life? This is a whole other blog topic right there! Does forgiveness mean you have to be a doormat for people to continue wiping their feet on? Where does “tough love” fall in all of this? When is it ok to tell someone how you feel and what they did to you was wrong and they can’t continue doing that and expect to be a part of your close circle?

All these questions and struggles are what many people face and we’re all looking for answers, for the right course of action to make sure “we’ve done our duty” and leave the ball in the other person’s court so we don’t have to take any further responsibility. We’re all longing for closure, for resolve, but the truth is that sometimes God just wants us to walk through these struggles and see the deeper meaning in all of it, to see what He is trying to tell us, to teach us, and the wisdom and strength He wants us to gain from having this experience so that He can do something far greater in and through us down the road. But most importantly, He wants us to come to a place where He is all we want, all we desire, and that HE is our main thing, not the other stuff we think is important.

For all those who have been wounded and hurt by another, I pray that you will continue to run to the arms of Jesus, to seek God and His comfort for all of it. And I pray that you will be alright if this thing is never resolved, never fixed in this lifetime, and realize that we can’t do God’s job. It’s up to Him to move the hearts of people to the right place. We can’t fix people. I had to learn that hard lesson myself.

When I think about how many times I’ve fallen short, made mistakes, hurt others, and failed, it puts it into perspective about how I view others who have sometimes deliberately hurt me. They deserve to have my forgiveness since I have desired to have it for what I’ve done against God and others. And when I get to the place of wanting God’s best for them, I know I’ve let go of my expectations and allowed God to show me the more important thing. But honestly, betrayal has been one of the deepest wounds I’ve suffered. I have been betrayed by people I deeply trusted, and I know that the enemy knows this and tries to use it against me, tries to defeat my spirit, tries to continue wounding me by bringing it up. I am still trying to let go of some of those things and accept that maybe, I won’t get the closure I desperately desire. And that I have to leave vindication up to God. Sometimes I wonder why some people don’t respond to me, or shut me out, or wont’ let me “in”. Maybe I’m too bold, outspoken by standing up for things I believe in, maybe I’ve stepped on their toes and instead of examining their own heart and motives, would rather make me the scapegoat so they don’t have to face the real issue. Who knows. But I am still trying to understand why people continue to listen to those who blast the names of other people and don’t seek out the truth about them for themselves.

Eventually the truth will come into the light. Those who meant ill will towards you will be exposed, or God will teach them their own lesson like I had to learn mine. It all catches up. I wish for everyone to try to be a better person, to choose the path of love instead of self justification, to choose humility instead of vengeance. There is a world of people out there being overlooked, being shut out, being wounded, and blaming God because some of His followers still don’t get His son and what He came to show us. Throw out the rule book and choose the better way of Love. What a better world this would be if we would all TRULY choose that path. I am not perfect and know I still have a lot to learn when it comes to all this Jesus following. But I won’t remain silent if God asks me to speak, I’ll check my motives when it comes to shouting from the rooftops, and I will not stop being open, honest, and real. There are too many people on the platform who are unable to do this because it is a sign of weakness to them. I have nothing to lose, only to gain by helping others who are struggling and help them move to a better place.

When we all stand before our maker, each of us will be judged according to what we’ve done. Make reconciliation a priority, make truth your goal, let go of squabbles and quarrels, and pray for those who persecute you. Love those who deliberately hurt you or whisper slanderous words about you under a “spiritual cover”. A wolf can not “bahh” and if you want to know the truth about someone, just ask them. Don’t assume that the one side to the story you’ve heard is always the real story. Pride keeps us from moving forward, from repenting, from forgiving, from reconciliation. And sometimes discrediting others helps us take the focus off ourselves and our own sin.

As a response to all these kinds of struggles I’ve faced with not getting the closure I’ve desired, I wrote “Meet Me in the Middle”. In a perfect world, we would all get along, we would all say we’re sorry and mean it, and we would all forgive and move on to a place of genuine love for each other. This song stems from a broken relationship that I still have to surrender to God every day. Thanks to Michael Sweet for singing the duet with me. My prayer and hope if anything, is that I can continue to speak hope, healing, and peace to others with all I do. I’m still working on it.

God bless!

If you want to hear this song, go to:
www.myspace.com/soniav – “Meet Me in the Middle” – Sonia V. featuring Michael Sweet

I always wonder why people fall out of touch with each other, with me. Is it an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing? My own relatives don’t keep in touch with me anymore except for the annual Christmas card, but growing up we spent time together just about every week until everybody grew up, all the cousins got older and moved away, and Grandpa and Grandma both passed on. I have friends I went to college with that I swore would be friends for life, but after many attempts to keep in touch through the years, I found that my letters and phone calls were not returned so promptly, or even at all after several years. I spent many years, blood, sweat and tears alongside people in ministry, in churches we helped plant or helped grow to a new level. In the moment, people cared, but now nobody really cares to keep in touch. I invested my time and commitment at a church we attended for 6 years. When I took a break from serving on the worship team to pursue what I felt God wanted me to do with my music, tried to keep people “in the know”, asked for prayer, gave away my CD to my “friends” and ministry peers. I never received a “thank you”, or “good job”, or “I’m praying for you”, or “how are things going” from any of the people I thought were “on my team”. So how do you explain that? Am I no longer useful to them and their weekly to do list?

I’ve been involved with groups of people that felt like family. I understand that time and distance can separate people. But when do you stop investing and caring for people? When they are no longer of use to you? Can no longer fill in the blanks of your unfinished planning agenda that week? Aren’t going to “do something for you”, or there’s simply nothing in it for you anymore? Since when do friends stop being friends or caring for each other if that person isn’t going to feed their hunger for elevation, success, or position?

I’ve been through some very dark times and have found out who really cares, and who is not willing to become uncomfortable, sometimes not knowing what to do or how to fix it, in order to be a real friend to me. Life is not all about standing on mountain tops with your arms wide open like a York Peppermint Patty commercial and denying the pain and trial you may be in at the moment. It’s human to feel despair. Giving it to God doesn’t mean denying it ,saying “nothing’s gonna steal my joy”. You can say that all you want, but sometimes you have to fight for your joy, and during those truly trying times, you don’t always feel like you have any. That doesn’t mean you aren’t giving it to God or that God is not there with you.

Psalm 51:12 says “restore unto me the joy of my salvation”….sometimes you lose it, or at least part of it and it doesn’t mean you are any less of a Christ follower, or have surrendered any less, or had less faith and belief in God to see you through it. Living in “true joy” means you will go through some pain to get it, to be able to have joy despite what you’re going through. It does not mean “happiness”. You can have joy and not be happy about life. Joy in your salvation is much deeper than happiness. And you have to fight for that.

There are so many misconceptions about Christian living that people have. So when things don’t work out like the fairy tale version we’ve been taught, we feel like God has abandoned us. Why do we fall out of touch with God in this way? Or do we really? Is He just giving us what we prayed for….to know Him more fully, deeply, and to increase in trust and faith. To get that, you will have to go through trial. There is no other way. To really know God intimately means you will go through some of the most unbearable pain and trial to really see Him face to face. You say you want to know God? Are you willing to do what it takes to do that? It won’t be easy. It will cost you. But on the other side of tragedy, you will find Him and the joy of your salvation.

When I come out of these “growing pains” stages, I feel so much better. But during the whole experience, I have gone as far as being so angry at God, wondering if He really exists, and if so, what the hell is He doing this for!!! But I come to realize that I’m not really angry at “Him” after all, I’m really angry with the remedy He’s used to get my attention and give me what I really need in order to know Him more fully in my life. I am really angry at the people and situations He’s placed me in that seem unfair and hurtful towards me, that have bruised my spirit and sometimes my ego, that have mistreated me, taken advantage of me, or even abandoned me.

We fall out of touch because we are afraid to really “feel”. We do anything we can to ease discomfort, pain, or inconvenience. There is no room for sacrifice in relationships much these days. People are not interested in exposing their hearts to the point of being vulnerable with another person. We are afraid of being hurt, used, abandoned, or inconvenienced for another person. We have become “what’s in it for me” kind of people. “I’ll help you as long as I feel like a hero. But if I can’t fix you, then you must not be doing something right.” True friends understand you. They understand what it means to be human, to have good days, and very very bad days, and still stand beside you for the long haul. Whether they can help you, or whether all they can do is just be there and mourn with you, letting you know that they will always love you no matter what, true friends don’t abandon you when things get ugly. But people get scared, and instead of understanding and accepting, they flee. Instead of realizing that they are weak for not sticking with you, they want to make you the “messed up scapegoat” for their excuse. Thankfully, God will never leave us or forsake us.

Every time new people come into my life, I wonder “will these people abandon me” like so many others have? Once they see the real me, will they run screaming for the hills? Being real is a risk. People don’t always want to see the real you. They don’t know what to do or how to deal with you! But I’ve become comfortable now with exposing myself and letting those who want to step up to the challenge of knowing me embrace me, or being ok with those who don’t have it in them to deal with the real me. Because I understand that they are just being human and I don’t hold it against them.

Stop hiding. Stop running away. Embrace one another. People need each other. Don’t be afraid to love someone. Even if you are not loved back. Don’t be afraid to expose the real you and be ok with rejection that might follow. But more importantly, we need to know what it really means to “walk with someone” and “bear one anothe’s burdens”. I still think all of us have a long way to go with that. I’m still working on it. I know that I am willing to accept some of the weirdest people out there that most people shun, because I know what it feels like to be shunned. I understand that everyone has this deep need down deep inside to be loved and accepted, but we fall into the trap of our own egos, our need to feel larger than someone else, and we miss the mark of truly loving people “through” their tragedies.

Just another pondering from the making of “Oh Sweet Tragedy”

I think there are lot of people that grew up like me hearing false teachings and it has really kept all of us from moving to a closer relationship with God because of the condemnation we’ve felt about ourselves, never measuring up to the standards of religion. This is what religion does to people. It chokes the life out of people. We are always worrying about our salvation and if we have done anything wrong lately that will send us to hell. We follow all the rules, do everything “they” say we should, and still wonder why it isn’t working for us, why we do not feel secure even though we’ve done everything we’re “supposed to”. We feel a sense of pompous contentment with how many Bible studies we’ve attended, how many ministries we are involved in with our church, and how many hours of prayer we’ve put in for the week, and we look at how much better we’re doing than brother so-in-so. We’ve traded truth for a lie, diamonds for worthless rocks. We live a life of condemnation instead of experiencing freedom in Christ Jesus. But I understand why people resort to it…in some twisted way, those absolutes and boundaries of religion help them feel some sense of security, and maybe even superiority & entitlement. But REAL FAITH requires us to abandon those false securities and fully trust in God for everything. But still, we substitute religion for real freedom and passion, real life giving fruit that can only be supplied by our Heavenly Father.

There’s something I want to share with you. I have this vision in my mind that came to me this morning and it was a man standing in an orchard, like an apple orchard, and he took a piece of fruit off one of the trees but it was rotten, withered and full of worms. Not only was the entire tree producing this rotten fruit, but the entire orchard was full of this rotten fruit that was not nurturing and feeding people. No matter how many trees he went to in the orchard, every piece was the same off every tree. But people were continuing to eat from these trees and ingest these rotten apples. Then I saw the man summoned over to a ledge that overlooked a field of berries, like blackberries, luscious, ripe and full of life. And tons of birds like sparrows were diving down and picking these luscious berries and eating them, and they were all good. And the scripture about the birds being taken care of by our Heavenly Father who provides all they need without them having to plant or sow came to my mind and reminded me how much more He will take care of us and feed us what we need if we solely surrender ourselves to Him with our full trust in His provision, putting Him first, not trying to feed ourselves with rotten and worm infested fruit. The rotten orchard of fruit represents the substitutes that religion has given us; rules, conditions, measuring sticks, and false teachings that do not give life, but take life. It represents the many churches and religious followers who have eaten from this fruit of death, hundreds of thousands in this orchard, but no matter how many new trees were planted or sprouted up, they all produced the same rotten, withered and worm infested fruit. We have eaten this fruit not realizing that not only does it NOT require us to fully trust God for nourishment, but it makes us sick and has made us take on God’s job by trying to produce results by our own strength and reasoning. Complete abandonment and trust in Christ Jesus and allowing HIM to supply all our needs is like the field of berries the sparrows were being fed by. It represents fully engaging in faith and walking in the Spirit of Christ, not by the man made substitutes we call religion that require absolutes, judgment, division of the Body of Christ, and gets its water supply from a polluted and poisoned well. Like the scripture says in Matthew 6:25-34, if He can provide for the birds who neither plant nor sow, and clothe the lilies of the field, how much more does He care for us and provide all that we need as long as we seek first HIS Kingdom and His Righteousness. His resource has no end, He provides only the living water we need, and gives life to us, not death. Taste and see that the Lord is Good! (Psalm 34:8)

Matthew 6:25-34 25″Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
28″And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.