Worship God Outside Your Preference – It’s Not About You

Prologue:  2/12/2011 – Worship God Outside Your Preference – It’s Not About You

This will be a continuous blog with updates on my progress and experiences this year so if you’re interested in this, please check back weekly or bi-weekly to see what’s new.

Religion and history of religion with it’s cultural and social relevance has always fascinated me.  I love knowing more about it and not only the multi-faceted Christian faith, but other world religions.

This year I’m on a quest to study other religions more in-depth & visit churches and religious groups of other denominations & faith.  I plan to blog about my experience.

Growing up in a very conservative Christian faith, I never felt freedom in my faith.  I knew even from an early age what “religion” vs. a “spirit-led life” was.  I was able to automatically identify hypocrisy in the church and knew that what I discovered about the very Christ we claim to follow was not matching up with the kind of “religion” we were all living.  It bothered me greatly. It bothered me that more attention was placed on do’s and don’ts, than on love, forgiveness and acceptance and walking with people no matter where they were in their spiritual walk and how much or how long they struggled. I always felt judged, even though I was one of the flock.  And as I grew up and became an adult with my own church experiences wherever life led me, I found the same things happening everywhere I went.  People eventually stoned me, even though I still had great close friends who loved me, there were always those waiting with stone in hand to throw it at someone. I was often the target because I stick out, I don’t conform, I press forward and challenge, pose questions and truths that sometimes people are not willing to face.  I ruffle feathers, I’m not a “church lady”.  No matter how I look, it’s never churchy enough.  I’m talented, and have been told I’m anointed many times over. I know God uses me to bless others and I try to stay humble about that.  But there will always be people who want to destroy that, my guess is to feel better about themselves with their own insecurity and guilt.  I tend to be a mover and a shaker.  I don’t settle for status quo but want to see people be all they can be, to dream bigger than they ever dreamed, to reach their full potential in what God has for their life.  I want to see myself and others grow.  But I’ve learned that growth doesn’t come without growing pains.  Wisdom doesn’t come without a tough lesson.  Strength doesn’t come without struggle and effort and even a few battle scars.  And being advanced doesn’t come without proof you can handle the little things first with humility and gratefulness.  I see too many people who think they are entitled and deserve more, but the truth is we don’t deserve more.  God doesn’t owe us a platform or advancement. And we won’t get it “from Him” without proper motives.  Sure, there are people who take it, but eventually they lose it.  I’ve seen corrupt people moved out of position because they are eventually found out, or chicken out.  Motives play a big part in where you land and how long you stay there.

Worship:  plain and simple, this is about God, not us and how we “feel”.  Too many people come to church expecting to receive something from their worship experience and if the band or the music doesn’t move them, it’s not “their fault”, but the music director or worship leader, or that bad singer on the worship team who distracted you from your worship time.  Truth is, God’s presence is always there, it doesn’t “show up”. But it’s us who have to show up.  We are to bring a “sacrifice of praise” to God.  That means it’s us giving Him something, not the other way around.  And even when we are not in the mood or don’t like the music and it’s delivery, it is a sacrifice to give God what WE owe HIM.  Not to receive butterflies in our stomach or get our worship fix for the week.  But to give HIM what He deserves from us. We gauge God’s presence with performance.  Something we still need to get over and acknowledge as our own shortfall.

I recently attended a very humble and conservative church service.  I typically like a lot of instrumentation and a professional music delivery, but I also enjoy the unplugged set too. This one was really “unplugged”.  An electric keyboard, a tambourine and a bass player, two of which sang.  Very humble. The church was a warm family-like atmosphere, down home.  They did a variety of songs from old hymns, to choruses I knew from long ago, to current worship songs that are “hits” on the local Christian radio station. (that’s another blog)  The congregation was clapping and some did the “white-bread hand raise”, and worshipped the best they knew how to.  But it was genuine.  Not hyped up, not loud, and not really teary-eyed or emotional.  Almost like singing around a campfire.  But I found myself in God’s presence, despite my musical preference, being moved by what I was singing to the point of weeping and uncontrollably lifting my hands to the point that I’m sure everybody noticed. Not that it was any kind of hand-raising contest.  But I couldn’t help but abandon myself, my inhibitions, and what everybody else felt comfortable doing.  I had to surrender and give God my all physically, emotionally, spiritually.  How could I not?  God has done so much for me.  Every word I sang, whether it was my preferred song choice or not, I had to give God a “sacrifice of praise” because that is why we should even come to worship Him at all.  Why call it a worship service if you’re not actually going to worship God.  Too many people pick apart what’s going on upfront instead of engaging.  I decided long ago that I was going to “engage” in worship no matter what because God should be my main focus, not the music, not the pastor, not the worship team or worship leader, not the style.  But God was my main goal.

I went to the Holy Land experience last year, something I never thought I’d do because I thought it would be cheezy and all TBN. But I found myself surrounded by Biblical history that fascinated me, authentic copies of early Bibles that were even guarded with someone’s life and had bloodstains on them.  Amazing.  Then they had the reenactment of the resurrection.  At the end a moderate worship team of singers sang to cheezy soundtrack music.  I found myself weeping uncontrollably as they sang “Shout to the Lord”!  Why? Not because the style or delivery was spectacular, but because I was ready to meet Jesus that very moment and to worship God in that situation.  I surrendered. I’ve been doing that more and more in my life.  Matt Redman got it right when he wrote “Heart of Worship”.  It’s all about “You” God.  Not me, not about how I feel today, what’s going wrong in my life, how I hate the music or style.  There is no real “style” of worship music anyway.  There is no style that God prefers over another, yet church people have dictated this. The early hymns were considered heathen in the church, and now we have people who claim they are the only kind of music we should be doing in the church. People fail.  The Church fails people. We fail each other.

I’ve come to learn that “The Body of Christ” is not about church. It’s about how we live our lives alongside of each other. It’s not about building programs, numbers, outreach ministries, attendance goals and offerings. It’s about living as Jesus lived, treating others the way He taught us to treat them, and loving them the way God taught us through Jesus and His life & sacrifice.

This year I plan to explore, discover and study faith in it’s many forms.  Not only because it just plain fascinates me, but because I have a genuine interest in people and what makes them tick when it comes to religion.  How can any Christian shut down others with any religious argument when they don’t even understand where they are coming from?  I find that most Christians don’t even know much about their own faith and believe Christian wives tales instead of living the message that Jesus came and sacrificed His life to teach us.  It comes down to Love.  Love is walking with others, no matter how long and if they ever “change” or “turn” or “agree” with you.  If our goal is God’s love towards others, there is no time limit, no set of conditions or limitations we should be placing on other people.  People are seeking to fill that empty hole inside themselves with their faith, whether they are Mormon, Muslim, Unitarian, Christian or  Buddhist or whatever.  No matter where a person’s beliefs lie, if we are truly following Christ, we should be able to love them, walk with them, want the best for them, and help them when they are struggling or are in need.  Love goes beyond the “feel good” opportunities we get from being “the hero” with safe opportunities like giving to shelters and world hunger. It’s about being able to wrap your arms around ugliness and dirtiness and not worry about what’s going to rub off on your nice clothes or how it will make you look to others.

Love is the key.  God is love.  I’m curious to find out what other faith’s think about this too.  And how they go about carrying it out.  I’m not interested in religious debate or arguing with others about who is right and who is wrong.  I’m interested in going beyond my comfort zone and embracing others despite their beliefs or life circumstances.  Taking my own “Live Love Loud” challenge if you will.  This is my quest this year.  Follow along if you want.  I want to see Christian ignorance diminished just a little bit more and I want to do my part with myself to help abolish that.

Who is My Neighbor?

Who is my Neighbor?

“On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”

“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”

He answered: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”

“You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”

But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?” Luke 10:25-29

Do you really want me to spell this out for you? Does anyone really? I think anyone reading this with any kind of church background knows what Jesus is really saying in this passage. We pick and choose who we will love, who we will show that love to, and try to find ways to justify ourselves when we know that what we are doing does not line up with these very words of Jesus.

How can we really “love God with all our heart, soul, strength & mind” when we continually put other things before Him? We put our pride before Him, our ego, our self-worth, our social standing & clout, and many Christians are really good at deceiving others with justifying their unloving behavior towards other people. Especially when it comes to politics and issues of life-style choices. Yet we read in the very Word of God how Jesus contradicted these typical human behaviors by reaching out and loving the unlovable, the outcasts of society, and those that the religious leaders of that day went to the extent of stoning and crucifying. I think that still happens today but in a very different way. We slander people with our words, shut them out of our circles, and turn our backs on them unless they believe as we believe. Even among the Body of Christ as a whole, denominations turn against each other, and members of the same congregation behave like wolves tearing each other apart, sometimes in subtle ways. If we can’t even love our own properly, how can we love others in the world? Sometimes it makes me want to throw my hands up! But I know now that I’ve embraced a new calling towards Love. And it’s changed me.

The message of love, genuine love, has been burning strong on my heart for a long time. It’s why I put out the last music CD “a thing or 2″ which talks about what real love is supposed to be – what it looks like, acts like, feels like, and lives like, and the author of that love is God. I finally got fed up with being mistreated by people who talked about it but did the opposite of what Jesus taught us. And I got tired of seeing people turn away from God because of the foolishness of man that represents Him improperly. I got passionate and fierce about it to the level that now I’m really not bothered any more about what people will think when I speak out about it. I’m tired of the rule followers who shun others and have the audacity to do it in the name of God. God is love. What is the definition of love? Go back and really read I Corinthians 13. This time with conviction.

Recently, a vision that God gave me about doing something real and tangible about this calling to LOVE & to bring the message of love to the world, has been put into action. I had started an outreach organization under another name a couple years ago, but it wasn’t until God brought all the pieces together with a partner that has the same vision, that “LIVE LOVE LOUD” was birthed. We are putting it into motion because we, like many other Christians, want to demonstrate and educate the world about what real love is supposed to be. It is not just merely mouthing the words. It’s putting it into action in our every day lives.

James 2:14-20 says “What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.

But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do.

You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
You foolish man, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless?”

So many times, we are only willing to do something for someone else as long as it doesn’t take us out of our comfort zone, it doesn’t make us look bad in front of other people who might scoff, as long as we agree with them, or as long as it doesn’t cost us a whole lot and makes us “look like we are doing something” when we’re barely breaking a sweat.

I wanted to start a movement that would catch on like wild fire, not for the sake of being a cult phenomenon or the next “WWJD”, but to really make people think and consider what real love is supposed to be, and how to put that into action to help mend relationships and walls that divide us in this world, and in our every day lives. It’s tough, but it can be done. But we have to be determined.

So I guess I’m willing to go to the extreme of calling out bad behavior that has been condoned in the very institution that it should not exist, and to counteract that with positive and correct action, as James 2 says. I want people to start looking for opportunities to show love and kindness to people in their every day life. To tear down walls and start building bridges, and to reach out to people you never do. This kind of love changes the world one person at a time. And it will change you and me if we decide to take it on full force. Even to the point that we will love others who do not believe as we do religiously, do not live the kind of life style we condone, are of a different nationality, race, color, or behave in ways you don’t approve. Love is a universal language and everyone needs it. So the question is, will you join us in this endeavor? Will you help spread the message of love and get involved in any way or level you can? Will you let your life be transformed by the power of Love by the author of all Love? Are you ready to truly LIVE LOVE LOUD?

http://www.facebook.com/liveloveloud

New website is coming soon! Donations are needed to get this whole concept going, so if you can please donate:

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=UXAH9H9RD8RUJ

Let’s rock the world with love! I can’t wait until I get my song recorded “Live Love Loud”. It pretty much sums up everything we are trying to do with this. Please pray that it gets done, and soon. And if you can help in any way, let me know.

Please help these efforts and add the LIVE LOVE LOUD page & help spread the word!

http://www.facebook.com/liveloveloud

God bless!
Sonia V.

 

Fire Me Up & Make Me Well Done!

Fire Me Up God! & Make Me Well Done!

There is a whispering voice echoing in the back of many of our minds that says “What’s the point? Who will cares if I keep doing what I’m doing anyway? Who even notices? Am I even making a difference? There are many people out there who are much better than me, why bother? No one will help me. I don’t have the resources or the money. I’m getting tired of doing this with no visible and tangible results so I must not be making a difference, or maybe this is NOT God’s will after all.” and the list of excuses goes on and on. To be bluntly honest, we wallow in self pity and complain about how hard it is to follow a calling we were “so sure of” when we started, but when the going gets tough and things don’t line up the way we had hoped, that’s when you find out what you’re made of and if you meant what you said when you proclaimed “I’ll follow you anywhere Lord, I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Mold me, teach me, give me strength and wisdom”…and secretly in the back of my mind, though I don’t want admit it, “make me successful at what I’m doing for you.” When the heat is on, the refiner’s fire is burning, we find out if we’re willing to go through the whole refining process in order to be purified like gold, or if we are weak and jump out of the fire too soon, still holding on to the part of us that wants to have a say in what God is doing. I openly admit that was me. I thought God should give me some reward for all of my toiling for Him and at the very least, let my efforts succeed. But He did not give in to me or give me what I wanted. He knew I wasn’t ready, wasn’t done, and He did it for my own good. I complained and whined and I still did not get my way. Then I realized that I was expecting something out of all of this for myself. I was not the righteous do-gooder, pure of selfish motives I thought I was. And one day I finally gave in to God and allowed Him to put me through His refiner’s fire – for real. I wanted all of that out of me. And results? My tangible results I used to demand He show me….I let go of that desire and need, and just let Him use me, now ready to be shaped into His image and not my own. It was not easy, I admit, but wow! What an eye-opener I had about my own spiritual condition. I was like many Christians who really haven’t yet faced the truth about themselves. That they are still defending their own will without even knowing it, hiding it in religious garble.

Whether you are on the path for a huge undertaking or a home-grown hands & feet as your ministry or calling, we will all eventually face this moment of soul searching and possibly join the pity party. If you’re honest enough to admit you’ve ever thought any of these kind of thoughts, then you’re probably one of the few who have come face to face with the truth that you let yourself get in the way of what God was trying to teach you through these experiences, and His intention to help you come to the true path we should be walking, which is seeking His face, seeking to know HIM more fully, and desiring only Him above all other things, even our ministry. Because if we are truly on that path of desiring only God, all the other stuff we think we need to “do for God” is secondary. But here’s something really cool: When you really, truly, come to the place where God is all you want, and everything else doesn’t matter anymore…doesn’t matter if you are successful at your ministry, doesn’t matter if your church grows in numbers, but in spiritual growth, doesn’t matter if you can make a living at this or not, doesn’t matter if you are recognized for your efforts, doesn’t matter if you even do it at all because knowing God is so ultimately first place in your life that you can walk away from anything you’re “doing for Him” and still be ok, still know who you are, and still have the “joy of the Lord” – when you truly come to this ultimate place, that’s when you can do your ministry with complete peace, joy, and delight, knowing God is in control and the outcome is HIS to decide. He can finally get things done through you because you finally got out of His way. You allow Him to refine you like gold and become an obedient and willing servant, tilling the field, planting the seeds, and allowing Him to water it with His spirit.

Of course, this is the fairytale version we all claim on the outside, but we still have to battle those “me me me” viruses that creep up from time to time. We’re human, it happens, it will continue to happen. And never think so highly of yourself that you think you’re above it, that you’ve “mastered the flesh bug”, because that’s when you are going to stumble and fall the most. Pride comes before a fall.

Proverbs 16:18 “First pride, then the crash -the bigger the ego, the harder the fall.”

Look at all the big time TV preachers and Christian musicians who have fallen from grace. It can happen, and it can happen even to those we think are strongest. It’s easy to let what we’re doing for God get in the way of just being with God. It’s easy to think that “living for God” means “doing things for God” or even for others and we slowly start to drift the focus off our own internal state, and outwardly on to others. We measure our spiritual health by what we’re doing outwardly instead of taking the time to seek God and look Him in the eye as Margaret Becker so eloquently sang in her song “Look Me in the Eye”. We use church as a substitute for soul searching, and when the church or the pastor, or the worship team isn’t doing what you want or need, we hear the excuses “I’m not being fed.” Truth Mirror: you’re looking for milk, an easy feeding, because you are still a spiritual baby. You think it’s someone else’s fault you’re in the state you’re in because your hungry grumblies aren’t happy. You want it NOW like a crying baby, unwilling to wait, to be still, to seek God for what you need. What you really need is to stop hiding from God behind that fig leaf. He can see you anyway. Do you honestly think you’re fooling Him? I know I did. And I used that excuse about church before too. I know there is never going to be the perfect church, and eventually the one you think is “close to perfect” is going to disappoint you one day. But your spiritual life is not just about church. It’s so much more than that. The Kingdom of God is within you.

Luke 17: 20-21 “Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.”

We need to stop blaming other people for our own spiritual climate, whether people hurt us, disappointed us, or downright fell from grace. Because if we really want to be mature in our faith, we need to stop whining like babies, demanding our milk, demanding to be fed by someone else, and we need to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness…then all these things will be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33 And we wonder why our calling isn’t working out, why our ministry isn’t thriving, why we’re not getting the results we want, and either we ourselves or others we know give up at this point. They failed to do the one thing that is so vital in all of this. Seek HIM First. Outwardly it looks like we are seeking Him first, but inwardly if all truth be exposed, we are not. I think it takes a big man or woman to openly admit this. It takes someone who is truly eager to know God to admit it to themselves and openly before God. I used to believe that all the good things I was doing for God were all for Him. But I now realize that part of me was still hoping for some of the credit. Yeah, I did want to do big things so people would notice God and I could point to God and say “see, look at what God did through me.” But because I know where my own shortcomings have come in the past, I can see right through those shout-outs I see now from people. What we really need to be shouting out is “look at what God did.”, not “what He did through me.” There is a difference, and most people who think they are doing God’s work fail to recognize that they are still trying to receive some of the credit for what God is doing by shouting out all their success and calling that “God’s favor on them”. “Ouch!” I’ll say it for you because I know I may have just stepped on someone’s toes. I think I’ve learned now that it’s a good thing when I get my toes stepped on. It means there is probably something inside me that needs refining. Something I’m still trying to defend and not admit that part of my flesh still has hold on me in a certain area. Even defending a religious mindset that needs to be exposed for what it is.

I love the whole idea about being put through the refiner’s fire. (Malachi 3) We hear about it all the time. I’ve referenced it in many of my songs & so have many others. We hear pastors speak about it and we nod our heads in agreement with a big “Amen”. But when we’re put to the test, we pray for deliverance, to be taken out, not to go “through” the refiner’s fire. But there is a reason we are being put through this torture, this trial, this uncomfortable situation, this test. I’ve failed so many of those tests. I begged for deliverance, even just jumped right out of the fire and did the wrong thing and even blamed it on someone else. I wasn’t done, or should I say “He wasn’t done with me.” And I came out looking like a big globby mess. I wasn’t completely purified like pure gold when it is heated and purified by the fire until just the right moment and all impurities are melted away. But through many failed attempts and not passing the test, I’ve learned to just allow it, to see where God is taking me on this path, and to see what lies inside of me that still needs refining. Note: what “lies” inside of me. We deceive ourselves sometimes, don’t we. I think many people get really good at believing their own lies in order to cover up the truth they try to hide from others and God. There is still a LOT inside of me that needs refining. One thing after another, He is revealing it to me. And I’ve come to admit that freely and openly, despite what onlookers might think, despite what upright people may conclude about me and my spiritual walk. I think too much pious hiding behind religious cloaks is dangerous. I think Jesus was on to this when He ticked off the religious leaders of His day. I think those kind of Pharisees still exist in the church today and make it hard for God to really do His work. After 2000 years we still haven’t learned what He was trying to teach us. We are still so spiritually smug that it repels people from the Kingdom instead of attracts them to it. And somehow we think we’re better than others because of it. What arrogance! And when we behave like this we can’t see that we are looking like fools, and not in a positive way so many boast “I’ll be a fool for God.” It’s time we get over ourselves as Christians.

I was once caught up in this religious hoopla, thinking this way was “right”. “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12 It’s easy to put religious mindsets above being Christ-minded. It “seems right” to us, but in the end leads to spiritual death. And unless we are willing to stay in the fire, to be purified, even from things we think are right, things like following rules that we have made our God instead of God Himself, unless we face our own spiritual truth in the refiner’s fire, face the test and do not give up, we will never know what it means to fully see His face, to be able to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. And this so called “calling” or “ministry” of ours will die, it will not thrive, it will become too big for us because we’re trying to handle it on our own and control its outcome instead of letting God control the outcome. Sometimes we even try to convince God that what we want is something He should give us. And we pray hard, believe hard, but God doesn’t do what we want. Is it possible that He knows we are not ready to handle what we’re asking for? “To whom much is given, much is required.” Luke 12:48 But we don’t admit that we’re not ready or equipped to handle what we’re believing is of God. We say “This must not be God’s will. Nothing is happening. Nothing is thriving. I’m not seeing growth and results.” And we give up. We’re measuring with worldly eyes, not spiritual eyes.

James 4:3 (NIV) “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

I like the way The Message describes this:

James 4:3 (The Message) “You wouldn’t think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you’d be asking for what you have no right to. You’re spoiled children, each wanting your own way. “

“Spoiled Children” explains it all. We are still spiritual babies craving milk, not seeing what is more important. Not seeing the truth that what we want “in God’s name” is for ourselves. I went through that with my music. I laid it down, surrendered it to Him, even though I thought I had for many years. And I came to the place where it didn’t matter to me anymore if it meant I would put it in front of desiring God. I told Him to do what He wanted with it, or nothing at all, and I was finally “Free from the chains that bind me.” And when I did that, God decided to do a miracle in my life, and make something out of nothing. I’m not worried now about where any of this is heading, but just know that anything I do with it now is hinging on His permission. I don’t worry about being accepted or rejected. Because I know that He who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. Philippians 1:6

There are some seeds that take many years before a single sprout appears above ground. They have to go through a process before they can become what they are intended to be. Take that seed out of the ground too soon, and it will never grow into the towering tall tree one day. Take gold out of the fire before it’s processed and it still contains impurities and has not been properly refined. Help a butterfly out of its cocoon and it will not develop properly or know the strength of the struggle to emerge and fly away freely. Put an untrained runner in a 26 mile marathon and he will gasp for breath and fall on the roadside like a cripple after a few miles. To run a marathon race, you can’t expect to run a mile or two as training and then realistically finish 26 miles. You’re not in the right condition to finish that race. A true runner knows you don’t run 26 miles when you first start out running. You have to build up to it and condition yourself with proper training, eating right, and building strength for the long run ahead. And when you finally do all those things, even then it’s hard to run that marathon. You feel like puking sometimes. And you have to keep replenishing your energy and fluids along the road. Too many people start out with big ideas about serving God, doing big things for God with full excitement. They see the finish line before they’ve even started the training. And a lot of them might make it the first ten miles, completely beaten down, but many quit, they don’t persevere. They don’t want to go through the training. They don’t want to run the mini-marathons first. They don’t want the pain. But those who succeed and finish the race have done all that. They’ve pushed themselves to the limit many times over, past points they never thought they could bear, they pushed through the pain. They learned the hard lessons and faced their own limitations and weaknesses. In life, these people who have succeeded have gone through many testings and trials. They’ve trained and conditioned. They’ve probably lost a few mini marathons. But it’s all part of being refined in the fire.

If you truly want to follow this call God has placed on your life, you need to understand what it will take. It’s not going to be easy. It’s not a walk in the park. It is going to drain the life out of you. And by that I mean you need to die to self. This is what needs to happen to be fully usable by God. He’s going to refine you, test you, condition and train you, and you’re going to want to quit because you keep looking to your own strength and ability instead of His. But stay on the path, keep persevering and finish the race. There is much to be missed if you quit now. Not only things you will experience and come to know, but things that others will miss because you gave up to soon. Everything we do makes an impact, influences others, whether good or bad, everything makes a difference. Doing nothing makes a difference, and doing everything you can makes a difference. So you need to decide, are you all talk? Or are you going to backup that talk and do whatever it takes to finish the race? It will take time, perseverance, and patience…and pain, yes pain! There will be times when things look favorable and not favorable. Don’t bail when things don’t look good. This is God refining you for what is to come. This is God cleansing you from your flesh and into His likeness. By giving up, you’re giving in to yourself. You’re putting yourself above God, instead of trusting Him to see you through what you’re facing at this time. That’s a hard pill to swallow…admitting you are putting yourself before God by giving up, making excuses, and whining like a baby. But it’s the truth. When we search the inner-most depths of our souls, we know it’s the truth. Stay in the fire. Stay in the race. This is the will of God.

“ In the presence of God and of Christ Jesus, who is to judge the living and the dead, and in view of his appearing and his kingdom, I solemnly urge you: proclaim the message; be persistent whether the time is favorable or unfavorable; convince, rebuke, and encourage, with the utmost patience in teaching. For the time is coming when people will not put up with sound doctrine, but having itching ears, they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own desires, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander away to myths. As for you, always be sober, endure suffering, do the work of an evangelist, carry out your ministry fully. As for me, I am already being poured out as a libation, and the time of my departure has come. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:1-7 (NRSV)

“Let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us.” Hebrews 12:1 (NRSV)

I wrote a worship song several years ago. I hope to be able to share it with others in the future should God provide a way. Its tentative title is “Perfect Love” and it speaks about being put through the fire, being refined until I can shine like gold. It is a very intimate and personal one for me because I’ve prayed these prayers many times, but now going through all God has taught me through trial, I know what these words truly mean now.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I John 4:18

Perfect love casts out all fear, it casts out all that is not of God. I want the one who IS perfect love to refine me. Many times my own fears keep me from staying in the fire until I’m purified of the things that keep me from being able to look into the face of God, keep me from embracing my horrible truth and letting God have His way. I’m learning to submit to Him and what He’s allowing me to go through in order to be refined. It hurts. But it’s a good hurt. Fire Me up God! And make me well done.

 

Revolving Doors

Revolving Doors

After being in church ministry in one capacity or another for my entire life, I can tell you that I have seen the church become a revolving door many times over. People come and go, never satisfied with the church for one reason or another. Either they didn’t like the pastor, the music team or style, didn’t think it had a good kids or youth program, or overall just didn’t fit with the style or possibly the philosophy of the church. But one thing from experience that I have come to find out for myself, is that the church’s revolving door hinges on one problem…that people are not finding true community & fellowship, true acceptance and long-term love & care by the attending members. This is what the church is supposed to be about, right? Not a building, not a big congregation, but about spurring each other on in the faith. Not coming for a show, then placing our admission fee in the offering basket and calling it tithing, Because tithing is so much more than 10% of your earnings. It’s your time, resources, attitude and more.

Jesus replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or ‘There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you.” – Luke 17:20-21

The truth is, there are a lot of broken and hurting people who come to church. There are a lot of people who are messed up. But no one feels safe enough to admit it. So we put on our church face every week, try to look like a strong leader who has it all together, unable to admit when we are ‘human’ because we’re afraid of being stoned or burned at the stake. Because that’s what people do in churches after all. Instead of loving people into a passionate relationship with Christ, we condemn them into it, don’t allow them to be who they are, where they are, and see the potential of who they can become in Christ. When people come to us wanting to be “used” in ministry, we have only a few ministry opportunities and pre-designed formats that they can step into. But many people don’t fit into these molds. Many people have a great story to tell, and God wants to use it to help others in a very special way. But we aren’t allowed to do that at church. We’re only allowed to serve in specific pre-designed pockets of ministry. How does that lead to a deeper purpose and fulfillment? Helping pass the offering plate from one row to the next, or handing out programs is a good start, and very much needed. But is that the call on your life that you’ve been hoping for?

And if we can “master” those pre-designed opportunities at an entry level, and prove ourselves worthy, then just maybe, we might be approved to get a bigger position because after all, you have to earn your right to to do ministry, right? Can you sense my sarcastic tone here? Yeah, that’s me, and it’s really put some people off who are way too serious and need a sense of humor in their Christianity. It’s one of the many flaws that I have that have kept me from “advancing up the corporate church ladder”. I have the heart to do ministry, and have had to find my own path to do it. Because the truth is, like many people, I’ve been one of the casualties of churches and their lack of real family. I attended my previous church for 6 years. As soon as I took a break from my “entry level ministry position” I’d been in for the last 6 years to prove myself worthy of advancing further (mind you after already doing all the senior level hard stuff before I even attended there), took a break to follow God’s real call on my life, nobody even noticed I was gone or missed me. No one even extended prayer support as I ventured out on this “big deal” in my life. I could have used the support system. But if I wasn’t serving on some kind of team that got together every week, no one even thought about me or missed me enough to check in with me. I think that’s pretty sad and sorry. But it happens. I’m ok about it. But what I’m not ok about is that it happens to too many people that come to church, and go right back out through that revolving door…because they didn’t receive what they really needed from people. We’re too busy running our programs and being busy, that we forget the real reason we’re supposed to get together in the first place. Even the small groups I’ve experienced have the same mentality. Everybody’s got the “it’s not my job” attitude when it comes to caring for people. But it IS our job. It’s my job, and I take it very seriously like a calling, and it’s YOUR job if you are a Christ follower.

Here’s the deal. I have never ever fit into any of these pre-designed molds, and I know a lot of other people haven’t either. Yet we still keep playing this church game. So much more could have been done, so many lost people could have been reached if people like the hard edged biker dude was allowed to lead a ministry, a Bible Study, or something… to reach those bikers he meets on the road. But his church didn’t condone it, and he had to go through all kinds of classes and hoops to prove himself spiritually worthy enough to lead it. The X-prostitute wasn’t allowed to advance into any kind of leadership position because of her past and the Church leadership wanted to make sure she was “really” free from that. Thank God for Annie Lobert-Fox who didn’t wait for anybody to tell her that she could start a ministry to prostitutes, using her unique story to reach others for Christ. Or Craig Gross starting a ministry to reach the porn industry and have the boldness to really show unconditional love & meeting some of the basic needs of women who lived in a brothel by doing something as simple as painting the walls & fixing it up. Controversial Christianity – that’s what Jesus was all about.

God calls all kinds of people to minister, to use their stories in life and share their experiences, and most of these stories, though very common in the world, are not commonly heard of in the church. We do a whole lot of talking about it, but when it comes down to it, we’ve become too corporate, too judgmental, and too closed minded and our reputation as “the church” is not one of martyrdom as some would like to boast, it’s an embarrassing reputation that even many Christians have become disgusted with. But there is a new, real church emerging. It’s emerging with people who want to be real, and represent a real Jesus to people they come across, not just play the revolving door church game.

If you’re thinking about the other side of the coin and have an argument about respecting your appointed leadership, I don’t think you’re getting my point and I really don’t care to debate with religious mindsets. I’m done with those types. I’m going to be part of the new revolution that shares Christ in a real way, not just invites them to their weekly meeting, but really reaches real people, who are desperate to know a real Savior, but just aren’t getting it in the revolving door attached to a building. If you’re ready to take on something real, go deeper, and speak life and power into other’s lives, to really be used to minister to others, then your mindset has to come away from the weekly church service mentality of Christianity, and into a whole new realm, a whole new mindset, and a whole new lifestyle. It’s time. The revolution is upon it. Will you join the army?

 

Green Machine

Green Machine

As soon as I was old enough to realize there were mobile machines out there my size, I was on them. My first hot rod was a bright red tricycle. I took off down the sidewalk on that thing like there was no tomorrow. I learned about the rush of going fast at an early age and I still can’t keep my pedal from the metal. I’m working on it, but I’ve got some hefty speeding tickets to prove it! I just like going fast and if I had another career choice, I’d be a race car driver so I could get away with breaking the speed limit. One day my three wheeler went missing and as my mom and I walked down the block, we soon discovered one of the neighborhood kids had ridden off with it and we found it parked in their driveway. I may have been a speed freak at an early age, but the little girl who took my trike was a thief at the age of two! I wonder if she is in jail now for grand theft auto?

I got my trike back but it wasn’t long before I outgrew it and knew I needed some more horsepower. So I graduated to the “Big Wheel”. The Big Wheel was a big deal when you were a kid. You had to have one or you were just a loser. And since I liked going faster and the red trike was already lame, I soon had myself revving up the Big Wheel. I thought I was so cool. I could feel the thrill as I raced that thing down the sidewalk and often had races with the other neighborhood kids. You see? I should have been a race car driver! Sonia McQueen is what I should have been called! But before long, the Big Wheel became obsolete and just wasn’t fast enough when the next big deal came along. And I had to have that big deal. I began to notice some of the older boys had something better than my stupid Big Wheel, all prissy and lame looking. I didn’t want a retarded little girl’s bike all disgusting pink and purple or Big Wheel anymore. I wanted something more badass with more power, speed and a nice flashy design because that’s just the way I roll. I’m sure if they made Harleys for kids I would have been on one. But I soon realized I needed this new machine to get me where I was going (which was pretty much nowhere – a big trip around the block.) I needed to ride “The Green Machine!” I realize I may be carbon dating myself by that admission. Oh well, get over it, people age.

I saw those cool commercials and knew this was my new race car. Why did the boys get all the cool stuff like Stretch Armstrong and The Green Machine? The Green Machine had stick shift steering which controlled the back wheels and allowed you to do all kinds of cool maneuvers & spins. And it was bright green with cool stickers instead of those retarded sparkly streamers. They marketed that Green Machine to boys, but as always, I never let that stop me. I was never one to be pigeonholed or put in a stereotypical box and I’m still not to this day. Don’t get me wrong, I did wear dresses from time to time and had a few dolls, but I was not into playing house as much as I was climbing the trees in our yard, camping out in my tent, and doing huge productions where the whole neighborhood would show up to see my show. I also used to line all my stuffed animals and dolls up in chairs and preach to them and lead worship – which back in those days was never done by a woman. So I never thought twice about not being able to do something that boys usually did, or have toys & things that “were for boys”. I hated it when people used to say that to me; “That’s for boys.” So? I used to ask for cars sometimes for my birthday or Christmas too. Like I said – like to go fast. And the Green Machine was on my must have list. But just like I didn’t get the Stretch Armstrong I wanted “because it was for boys”, I didn’t get the Green Machine, at least not from my parents or relatives. They got me dolls, and tricycles, and banana seat girl bikes with sparkly streamers and a big yellow Schwinn bike. In fact, I can still remember the combination to my bike lock: B-2-5-3. Don’t ask me how I still know that. It was nice to be given those things, but they weren’t always what I “really wanted”.

One thing I realize now about myself is that I’ve always had a drive and determination planted in me to just go for it. That magic fairy dust to leap off the edge and end up flying. When I set my mind to something, I race for the prize and pretty much win it. It doesn’t matter how much is stacked up against me or who my competition is. Once I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to do something, nothing gets in my way, nothing deters me, depresses me, or makes me doubt that I cannot achieve my goal. I don’t listen to the nay-sayers or let fear hold me back. I think that fear of failure is what holds a lot of people back from just starting. But that is another story for another time. I had my eye on the prize – the Green Machine – and one way or another I was going to be racing it down my block.

Soon, opportunity knocked and I answered the door. Our church was hosting a Bible School week and aside of the boys against the girls offering contest, there were other prizes to be won for the person who brought the most number of visitors. That number one prize was, you guessed it, The Green Machine! I was determined to win that thing so I had my parents pick up at least ten kids every day that week and stuff them into our car somehow. At the end of the week, I thought I hadn’t brought enough kids to Bible School and was almost defeated when some of my visitors couldn’t come on some of the days. But at the end of the week, the announcements were finally made and I won that Green Machine! I couldn’t believe it! I could hardly wait to get it home and put it together. This is probably the one prized possession I had as a kid! I felt like Ralphie in the Christmas Story with his new gun.

So we got that Green Machine, home and before long, I was racing down the sidewalk on that thing watching all the other little kids eat my dust! I couldn’t believe how that thing handled. What power! What speed! What steering! I was in heaven and the only thing I didn’t have on was a leather jacket to complete the whole bad to the bone package. But as we know, all good things must come to an end, and eventually that Green Machine went missing. Somebody stole it. All my hard work to earn that thing and somebody comes along and just takes it.

Jump forward a few hundred years, (for all those of you who think I’m really old now) and now I’m looking back on some similar life experiences. I think about all the times I had worked so hard for something and how good it felt for me to earn those things rather than feel entitled to them like they should just be handed to me. I thought about how some people who don’t work for things are sometimes handed them on a silver platter because they’re related to someone, or their dad is the boss, or they are handed a ministry position in the church because their dad is a pastor. Sure, they do have to prove themselves and do a good job. But so many times when people are given titles or positions or authority and they haven’t really earned them, they often don’t appreciate them and take it for granted. And a lot of times they end up leading by their title or position, and not their actual influence.

I think about how a few times, my hard earned work has been repackaged by someone else who wanted to take a shortcut and couldn’t come up with the idea on their own. And I watch as many people who have not earned where they are take kudos from others for work they haven’t accomplished. I wonder how they must feel about themselves having to keep up the facade that they are a great big fraud. I see it happen so often with a lot of things in this world. I see people so hungry for attention, or power, or position, affirmation and applause that they will do anything, even use God’s name to get it, and instead of giving Him the credit, they bask in their own glory. They have their eye on the wrong prize. And they cheat to get it.

When we “take” things that haven’t been deserved or earned, and we haven’t really invested in them, we are like the foolish servant in the parable of the talents who buried his talent in the ground. (Matthew 25:14-30) The master expected him to do something with it, to invest in it, to work with it. Just like God; to some he gives much, to some he gives little. But it’s not about what you received to start off with. It’s what you do with what you’ve got that will earn you the privilege of receiving more or getting promoted. It’s what you do with people that will earn their respect. It’s how you influence others that will make them follow your leadership, not your title, not your family relations, and not how much you force them to follow you with your fancy title or position of authority. I’ve known people who were in leadership that no one followed. They tried to rule with their title and position, but those methods won’t get you what you want. The things you really want like respect, honor and integrity have to be earned, and that must be combined with humility, servanthood, and compassion for others. Otherwise, you haven’t really learned what being a leader means. A leader is about enlarging others and being a servant, not being served by others to enlarge yourself. People will not continue to follow someone who is only concerned about themselves.

I remember how good I felt about earning that Green Machine. Especially since society told me I couldn’t have it because I was a girl and it was only for boys. It wasn’t handed to me by rich parents or because of my gender like some kids got it. I earned it with hard work, perseverance, and determination. Today I’m not working for Green Machines. In fact, I’m not really trying to gain things for myself personally that are only temporary pleasures that will eventually fade away. Doing things for the sake of having possessions, power or prestige do not interest me anymore. I want to work hard for God’s approval and for His Kingdom & glory, not my own. When God sees that you are serious about what He’s allowed you to do, what talents and gifts He’s put in you, and that you are being a good steward with them, He will allow you to advance – if that is His plan for you, and if you have invested wisely in what He’s already given you. He will give you a little more to invest with as long as you are not doing it for selfish gain, but for His Kingdom and His glory. So many people want to jump right into big positions without earning their way there. They want huge platforms or massive ministries, but they don’t understand sometimes what it takes to have those responsibilities. They are only looking at how big it will make them feel. Then they find out too late that they are in over their head or just not cut out for the job. They coveted the position. Rather than using it for the good of others, they used it for their own self-satisfaction. But in the end, I know that what you possess does not bring satisfaction. It’s about being content and at peace with what you have, whatever circumstance you are in, no matter what, and being able to trust God for your needs, only desiring Him above anything else.

When I was a child, I thought like a child. I used to think things like The Green Machine would make me happy. And although driving at fast speeds is very enjoyable, or having nice things, a roof over your head, a cushy job that pays the bills, a family, and good health – those things are not required in order to know true contentment, true peace, and true joy. Yet people still think “if only….” “if only I had a bigger house, a better car, a better job, made more money, got married, had kids, had a successful business or ministry, hung out with a certain group of people….if only I had “that” I would be happy.” We sometimes get caught up in wanting the next big deal that we think will make us happy. We are looking for the next Green Machine in life. We’re looking for a higher status instead of being content with where we’re at. But status does not make you happy. It is just an illusion. It is just a lie. If you can’t be thankful for what God has given you already, and are always asking for more, why should He give it to you if you’re just going to keep complaining and not enjoy what He’s already given you to enjoy? Why should He give you more if you have only buried what you have in the ground? Why should He give you more responsibility when you can barely handle the responsibility you have now? You want a better car? That comes with a bigger price tag. Bigger house = Bigger mortgage. Fancy job title = more responsibility and hard work. Are you seriously ready for that headache when you are already having headaches with what you’ve got?

One day I finally realized that I was not content. And I had fallen into the trap of thinking it was because of the things I did or didn’t have. But I kept getting more things and those things really didn’t make me happy. They didn’t give me peace. I was not content. And I used to get angry at God for not giving me what I prayed for, but now I know it’s because He could see that I needed to learn to only be content IN HIM. True contentment is only going to happen to you if you get to the point where you want for nothing; nothing but to know God more intimately and walk closer with Him all the days of your life.

Psalm 17:15 “As for me, I will continue beholding Your face in righteousness (rightness, justice, and right standing with You); I shall be fully satisfied, when I awake [to find myself] beholding Your form and having sweet communion with You.”

Psalm 27:4 ” One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple.”

Psalm 63:1 “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.”

What is your Green Machine? What is the thing (or things) you think will make you happy if you just had it? The thing that makes you restless and keeps you striving for it until you get it? Let go of it. Because nothing you can possess on this earth will fill you like the contentment only God can give. And if you continue to seek His face, you will find what you’re looking for.

 

Closure

Closure

If I was superstitious, I would say that about seven years ago, I must have broken a mirror, or walked under a ladder, or let a black cat walk in front of me, because it seems like that was the beginning of some very bad luck for me, or at least some things that were beyond my control and resulted in being wounded or hurt by others. I’m not superstitious, but seven years later, I am still trying to find closure. I’ve healed a lot, but it still hurts when I think about the fact that some things did not turn out right, some things did not resolve, friendships were not mended, business dealings did not work in my favor, and I’ve continued to see those I trusted but who betrayed me for personal gain, continue on the same path.

Have you ever watched the movie “The Count of Monte Cristo”? I remember watching that movie and feeling the pain of the main character who was imprisoned falsely and was left to die until an unexpected doorway opened up to him. I can honestly say I have felt like that with a lot of things I’ve been through and wanted vengeance. And I wondered where God was in all of it. I blamed Him, got angry, begged for answers, wondered why these people had hurt me, and even worse, these people were supposed to be Christians. I tried doing the right thing, tried to work things out with others, let things run their course and hoped for the best, hoped that these people would see the light, see the error of their ways, and come and ask for my forgiveness for what they had done to me. But none of that has happened yet. I pray that it will, but there has been no reconciliation, because despite coming to the place of forgiving them, I still hurt, and they still proudly sit in their puddle of “right”. I still want my side to be heard but it hasn’t been. I want them to feel badly for what they did and make things right between us. But I can’t make people feel that. I can’t make them repent, I can’t make them feel remorse and sorry for betraying or hurting me. I struggle with my flesh of wanting resolve, wanting closure, wanting justice, and go back to surrendering my heart to forgiveness again. Its a process that is long and hard if the cuts are deep, but it’s getting better. If there was a magic pill that could take it all away, I would take it. But life is not like that, and difficulties between people are complex.

I’ve written letters several times that were never sent. In fact, I wrote another one today to one of my old friends who sold out my friendship over a song. A song that I wrote, that they stole the music for, and despite my attempts to ask them to do the right thing, they did what they wanted anyway. I had to compromise, thinking I was keeping the peace, but I realized that these people were only concerned with their personal gain. To this day, I’ve never received a thank you for letting us use your music, never received a royalty payment, and they’ve even gone to the extent of taking my name off the credits publicly, taking full credit for something that was birthed in my soul. It hurt me deeply. I felt like a part of me was stolen. I have been so hurt by these actions, but more concerned that people like this exist in the Christian music community. It has really been a hard thing for me to work through for the last several years and almost kept me from completely ever doing music again, but God had other plans. Sometimes it feels like there will never be a resolve or closure on this one. I keep thinking that if I write a letter telling them how I feel, that I will feel better and maybe they will feel remorse. But I realize that listing my grievances to a deaf ear is not going to solve anything. Unless they want to do the right thing by me, we will remain estranged. It doesn’t matter that I forgave them if they don’t feel they need forgiveness. I may never receive full closure for this the way that I desire, for everything to turn out right and everybody hugs in the end wondering why we were all so selfish. It hurts me when I see continued actions taken by those who have hurt me that cast a negative shadow on my name & reputation to others when I know it’s just that they are trying to cover up what they did to me. So I get closed doors with what I try to do with my music in this industry, I get people who will not allow me to comment on their page, or who will not play my songs on the radio, or invite me to events….the list goes on. But despite the damage that I feel some people have done deliberately to me, God is bigger than that and He moves around road blocks that others deliberately put in my way. He works despite what lies others have said about me to keep people from associating with me or supporting what God wants to do in my life. I know God vindicates victims. That’s not my job. My job in all this is to keep striving towards love, keep laying down forgiveness when it seem so hard when continual hurt is being put in your face, and to trust God to do what He does or doesn’t want to do through me. If God is for me, who can be against me?

Recently, I’ve been talking a lot with others about resolve, forgiveness and reconciliation. It’s so easy to give pat Christian answers to people about forgiving and reconciling with others, but when the rubber meets the road, you find that it is so much harder to work through than those pat Christian answers. Because honestly, sometimes we don’t feel like we’ve got what is fair and the best results in the whole ordeal. I know I have felt that way many times. So how do you know if you’ve truly forgiven someone for what they did to you? Does forgiveness mean you have to be “mum” when they continue to act in unhealthy ways or bring continued pain and even sometimes danger into your life? This is a whole other blog topic right there! Does forgiveness mean you have to be a doormat for people to continue wiping their feet on? Where does “tough love” fall in all of this? When is it ok to tell someone how you feel and what they did to you was wrong and they can’t continue doing that and expect to be a part of your close circle?

All these questions and struggles are what many people face and we’re all looking for answers, for the right course of action to make sure “we’ve done our duty” and leave the ball in the other person’s court so we don’t have to take any further responsibility. We’re all longing for closure, for resolve, but the truth is that sometimes God just wants us to walk through these struggles and see the deeper meaning in all of it, to see what He is trying to tell us, to teach us, and the wisdom and strength He wants us to gain from having this experience so that He can do something far greater in and through us down the road. But most importantly, He wants us to come to a place where He is all we want, all we desire, and that HE is our main thing, not the other stuff we think is important.

For all those who have been wounded and hurt by another, I pray that you will continue to run to the arms of Jesus, to seek God and His comfort for all of it. And I pray that you will be alright if this thing is never resolved, never fixed in this lifetime, and realize that we can’t do God’s job. It’s up to Him to move the hearts of people to the right place. We can’t fix people. I had to learn that hard lesson myself.

When I think about how many times I’ve fallen short, made mistakes, hurt others, and failed, it puts it into perspective about how I view others who have sometimes deliberately hurt me. They deserve to have my forgiveness since I have desired to have it for what I’ve done against God and others. And when I get to the place of wanting God’s best for them, I know I’ve let go of my expectations and allowed God to show me the more important thing. But honestly, betrayal has been one of the deepest wounds I’ve suffered. I have been betrayed by people I deeply trusted, and I know that the enemy knows this and tries to use it against me, tries to defeat my spirit, tries to continue wounding me by bringing it up. I am still trying to let go of some of those things and accept that maybe, I won’t get the closure I desperately desire. And that I have to leave vindication up to God. Sometimes I wonder why some people don’t respond to me, or shut me out, or wont’ let me “in”. Maybe I’m too bold, outspoken by standing up for things I believe in, maybe I’ve stepped on their toes and instead of examining their own heart and motives, would rather make me the scapegoat so they don’t have to face the real issue. Who knows. But I am still trying to understand why people continue to listen to those who blast the names of other people and don’t seek out the truth about them for themselves.

Eventually the truth will come into the light. Those who meant ill will towards you will be exposed, or God will teach them their own lesson like I had to learn mine. It all catches up. I wish for everyone to try to be a better person, to choose the path of love instead of self justification, to choose humility instead of vengeance. There is a world of people out there being overlooked, being shut out, being wounded, and blaming God because some of His followers still don’t get His son and what He came to show us. Throw out the rule book and choose the better way of Love. What a better world this would be if we would all TRULY choose that path. I am not perfect and know I still have a lot to learn when it comes to all this Jesus following. But I won’t remain silent if God asks me to speak, I’ll check my motives when it comes to shouting from the rooftops, and I will not stop being open, honest, and real. There are too many people on the platform who are unable to do this because it is a sign of weakness to them. I have nothing to lose, only to gain by helping others who are struggling and help them move to a better place.

When we all stand before our maker, each of us will be judged according to what we’ve done. Make reconciliation a priority, make truth your goal, let go of squabbles and quarrels, and pray for those who persecute you. Love those who deliberately hurt you or whisper slanderous words about you under a “spiritual cover”. A wolf can not “bahh” and if you want to know the truth about someone, just ask them. Don’t assume that the one side to the story you’ve heard is always the real story. Pride keeps us from moving forward, from repenting, from forgiving, from reconciliation. And sometimes discrediting others helps us take the focus off ourselves and our own sin.

As a response to all these kinds of struggles I’ve faced with not getting the closure I’ve desired, I wrote “Meet Me in the Middle”. In a perfect world, we would all get along, we would all say we’re sorry and mean it, and we would all forgive and move on to a place of genuine love for each other. This song stems from a broken relationship that I still have to surrender to God every day. Thanks to Michael Sweet for singing the duet with me. My prayer and hope if anything, is that I can continue to speak hope, healing, and peace to others with all I do. I’m still working on it.

God bless!

If you want to hear this song, go to:
www.myspace.com/soniav – “Meet Me in the Middle” – Sonia V. featuring Michael Sweet

 

Why Do We Fall Out Of Touch?

Why…do we fall out of touch?

I always wonder why people fall out of touch with each other, with me. Is it an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of thing? My own relatives don’t keep in touch with me anymore except for the annual Christmas card, but growing up we spent time together just about every week until everybody grew up, all the cousins got older and moved away, and Grandpa and Grandma both passed on. I have friends I went to college with that I swore would be friends for life, but after many attempts to keep in touch through the years, I found that my letters and phone calls were not returned so promptly, or even at all after several years. I spent many years, blood, sweat and tears alongside people in ministry, in churches we helped plant or helped grow to a new level. In the moment, people cared, but now nobody really cares to keep in touch. I invested my time and commitment at a church we attended for 6 years. When I took a break from serving on the worship team to pursue what I felt God wanted me to do with my music, tried to keep people “in the know”, asked for prayer, gave away my CD to my “friends” and ministry peers. I never received a “thank you”, or “good job”, or “I’m praying for you”, or “how are things going” from any of the people I thought were “on my team”. So how do you explain that? Am I no longer useful to them and their weekly to do list?

I’ve been involved with groups of people that felt like family. I understand that time and distance can separate people. But when do you stop investing and caring for people? When they are no longer of use to you? Can no longer fill in the blanks of your unfinished planning agenda that week? Aren’t going to “do something for you”, or there’s simply nothing in it for you anymore? Since when do friends stop being friends or caring for each other if that person isn’t going to feed their hunger for elevation, success, or position?

I’ve been through some very dark times and have found out who really cares, and who is not willing to become uncomfortable, sometimes not knowing what to do or how to fix it, in order to be a real friend to me. Life is not all about standing on mountain tops with your arms wide open like a York Peppermint Patty commercial and denying the pain and trial you may be in at the moment. It’s human to feel despair. Giving it to God doesn’t mean denying it ,saying “nothing’s gonna steal my joy”. You can say that all you want, but sometimes you have to fight for your joy, and during those truly trying times, you don’t always feel like you have any. That doesn’t mean you aren’t giving it to God or that God is not there with you.

Psalm 51:12 says “restore unto me the joy of my salvation”….sometimes you lose it, or at least part of it and it doesn’t mean you are any less of a Christ follower, or have surrendered any less, or had less faith and belief in God to see you through it. Living in “true joy” means you will go through some pain to get it, to be able to have joy despite what you’re going through. It does not mean “happiness”. You can have joy and not be happy about life. Joy in your salvation is much deeper than happiness. And you have to fight for that.

There are so many misconceptions about Christian living that people have. So when things don’t work out like the fairy tale version we’ve been taught, we feel like God has abandoned us. Why do we fall out of touch with God in this way? Or do we really? Is He just giving us what we prayed for….to know Him more fully, deeply, and to increase in trust and faith. To get that, you will have to go through trial. There is no other way. To really know God intimately means you will go through some of the most unbearable pain and trial to really see Him face to face. You say you want to know God? Are you willing to do what it takes to do that? It won’t be easy. It will cost you. But on the other side of tragedy, you will find Him and the joy of your salvation.

When I come out of these “growing pains” stages, I feel so much better. But during the whole experience, I have gone as far as being so angry at God, wondering if He really exists, and if so, what the hell is He doing this for!!! But I come to realize that I’m not really angry at “Him” after all, I’m really angry with the remedy He’s used to get my attention and give me what I really need in order to know Him more fully in my life. I am really angry at the people and situations He’s placed me in that seem unfair and hurtful towards me, that have bruised my spirit and sometimes my ego, that have mistreated me, taken advantage of me, or even abandoned me.

We fall out of touch because we are afraid to really “feel”. We do anything we can to ease discomfort, pain, or inconvenience. There is no room for sacrifice in relationships much these days. People are not interested in exposing their hearts to the point of being vulnerable with another person. We are afraid of being hurt, used, abandoned, or inconvenienced for another person. We have become “what’s in it for me” kind of people. “I’ll help you as long as I feel like a hero. But if I can’t fix you, then you must not be doing something right.” True friends understand you. They understand what it means to be human, to have good days, and very very bad days, and still stand beside you for the long haul. Whether they can help you, or whether all they can do is just be there and mourn with you, letting you know that they will always love you no matter what, true friends don’t abandon you when things get ugly. But people get scared, and instead of understanding and accepting, they flee. Instead of realizing that they are weak for not sticking with you, they want to make you the “messed up scapegoat” for their excuse. Thankfully, God will never leave us or forsake us.

Every time new people come into my life, I wonder “will these people abandon me” like so many others have? Once they see the real me, will they run screaming for the hills? Being real is a risk. People don’t always want to see the real you. They don’t know what to do or how to deal with you! But I’ve become comfortable now with exposing myself and letting those who want to step up to the challenge of knowing me embrace me, or being ok with those who don’t have it in them to deal with the real me. Because I understand that they are just being human and I don’t hold it against them.

Stop hiding. Stop running away. Embrace one another. People need each other. Don’t be afraid to love someone. Even if you are not loved back. Don’t be afraid to expose the real you and be ok with rejection that might follow. But more importantly, we need to know what it really means to “walk with someone” and “bear one anothe’s burdens”. I still think all of us have a long way to go with that. I’m still working on it. I know that I am willing to accept some of the weirdest people out there that most people shun, because I know what it feels like to be shunned. I understand that everyone has this deep need down deep inside to be loved and accepted, but we fall into the trap of our own egos, our need to feel larger than someone else, and we miss the mark of truly loving people “through” their tragedies.

Just another pondering from the making of “Oh Sweet Tragedy”